Category Archives: humor

wrong crowd.

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somebody didn’t listen to their mother

and 

‘got in with the wrong crowd.’

“it’s a dangerous business, frodo, going out your door.

you step onto the road,

and if you don’t keep your feet,

there’s not knowing where you might be swept off to.”

j.r.r. tolkien, The Lord of the Rings–

tangled.

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all went well on my annual visit to the doctor 

except 

for a bit of a ‘gown snafu’

(this picture does not even begin to do it justice)

when i went to put it on

i couldn’t tell

which side

was supposed to be inside or outside

there were pockets both inside and outside

snaps all over the place

numerous ties of various sizes and locations

parts of the fabric were tucked into each other

no matter how i configured it

it just didn’t seem designed

for any sort of human form

knowing that i was under a time crunch

i quickly tried a few different scenarios

the multitude of mini-snaps

were designed for the hands of fairy

 ties were in illogical places

i somehow had to craft my own sleeves

feeling as though

i was in a speed design contest

or playing a  party game

 i finally just settled on my final look

 kind of wrapping the whole thing around me

covering things

snapping things

tying things

 when my doc came in she started laughing

saying

“you are sleeveless on one side

the front is in back

things are tied up all over”

she was impressed by my creativity

when i asked about the gown

she smiled and said

“it’s a cognitive test”

that’s why she’s so great

i hope she was kidding. 

“when everything becomes tangled, you should make the choice.” 

-roman simonyan

teriyaki time.

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teriyaki time (not for gambling)

the bag of loot my daughter gave me

with a friendly reminder

to pick up the sushi lunch

and not go to the casino or track

with the cash and the kids.

 

Quote from ‘Dumb & Dumber’:

LLOYD: “I’ll bet you 20 bucks I can get you gambling before the end of the day!?”

HARRY: “No way.”

LLOYD: “I’ll give you 3 to 1 odds?”

HARRY: “Nope.”

LLOYD: “5 to 1?”

HARRY: “Nope.”

LLOYD: “10 to 1?”

HARRY: “You’re on.”

panic in the paper aisle.

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World’s Largest Roll of Toilet Paper

10 feet high and 8.5 feet across.

weighs two tons.

contains a million square feet of squeeze-ably soft toilet paper.
will last me 1900 years.
according to my math
i’m good.

“i tend to stay with the panic. i embrace the panic.”

-larry david

 

 

 

credits: ripley’s believe it or not museum, branson, missouri, usa

scout.

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scout (in the original), walks home dressed as a ham.

I was cast to play scout

in a scene from ‘to kill a mockingbird’

as a favor for my friend

who was in an oral interpretation class

during her later in life college days.

the scene was the one

where scout was dressed as a ham

walking home through the woods

and the victim of an unknown attacker.

as I’m an incredibly horrible actress

I double-checked to see if she was sure

about wanting me for the role.

she was desperate and had no one else

so I was perfect, and was in!

she also cast my boyfriend at the time

as my brother

and our about to deliver a baby any second friend

as the narrator

that was it.

 the only actors in the scene.

we were the holy trinity of non-talent.

one important thing that I needed to know

in spite of knowing my few lines

to be delivered in a frantic southern accent

with lots of screaming and thrashing movements

was that my attacker was not going to actually exist on stage

it was all interpretive

I had to imagine and act

like I was being attacked

as I wrestled with my invisible assailant.

at last the big day finally arrived

the curtain rose

I drawled and shrieked out my part

rolling around, slamming into the walls

and fighting my attacker who did not exist

all while dressed in my ham costume.

once it was over

we all took our bows

 happy when the curtain finally went down.

after, I asked my friend’s husband,

(who was kind enough to have been in the audience

so we would be sure to have someone who clapped)

what he thought of my performance

and while his review was not exactly as expected

it was probably right on the mark:

‘you were like a cat in heat!’

my friend got an ‘a’ on the project.

“drama starts where logic ends.”

-ram charan

 

image credits: ‘to kill a mockingbird’ -universal pictures

playing chicken.

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as merely an observer of the event

I’d have to guess

that she when she arrived at the store

 perhaps with the intention

of buying a tea towel

she did not plan to leave

with a giant metal chicken

and may have even worried

that if she did not buy it today

someone else might come along

and find

they too could not live without it

one day longer.

life is funny that way.

 

‘buying involves decision-making.

it’s a performance activity, like sports or acting.’

-mark goulston

funny first.

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such an interesting mix at lunch

sugar cookies, grated parmesan cheese, and red pepper flakes

it made me wonder a bit

when I inquired I was told 

the cheese and peppers were there

because they were serving Italian food in the kitchen

and the cookies were there

because this was their new location

and I kind of loved

the ‘no logical reason’ reason for the combination

it made it even better

and why not after all?

 

“things have to be funny first, and if they want to have a point, that’s awesome.”

-john mulaney

strive.

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morning yoga at the farmers’ market.

what I passed as I drove by

on my way to get bagels.

it’s all about balance.

some days it’s yoga and organic veggies

in the morning light.

other days it’s drinking a latte

and eating a chocolate chip bagel

with whipped cream cheese

while wearing the yoga pants you woke up in.

“extremes are easy. strive for balance.”

-colin wright