Category Archives: humor

Dec13

channeling chevy chase.

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a reblog of one of my fav christmas posts  – from december 2013

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tire tracks in snow flying over the curb
went with one of my daughters to my favorite christmas tree lot, FLATSNOOTS, to buy my little tree. i love everything about these guys, they are always eccentric, friendly, quick, cheap, and helpful.
there was lots of new snow everywhere, and when i thought i was turning into their driveway, i was actually flying over a curb. we landed in their lot, in a parking spot, right next to their trailer. i rolled down my window, popped the trunk, and yelled out to duke, (one of the owners), ‘hey, can you toss whatever you have for $10 into my trunk?’ ‘nope. looks like you’re parked now, and that was quite an entrance. c’mon out back and we’ll see what we can find you.’
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what i imagined that my car did as we entered the lot
(image credit: warner bros. pictures)
it was a typical flatsnoots shopping experience – they found me a little tree for $8, and told us to come into the trailer to warm up and pay, while they cut the bottom off of the tree. they quickly went to their mini bar, whipped out the cinnamon schnapps, and we toasted to the season, sang a song with them, and were on our way once again. i felt like we had been in a scene from ‘national lampoon’s christmas vacation.’ only better.
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Discounts Remain the Same:
10% to geezers
10% to anyone who wears a sombrero
10% to anyone shorter than my friend PhilFine Services Available:
Valet Parking (not)
We will fresh-cut, prune & fit your tree to your stand
Tree delivery is available
Flatsnoots is a charter member of the North American Wood Tick Association * 
Coolest, Funkiest, most AH-mazingly bodacious Hat wins a COOL PRIZE

Peace & Prosperity to All!,  Duke

“Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

Dec12

ahoy!

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inside my car at the car wash

music on

relaxing

feeling that underwater seaweed or giant squid on my hood vibe

yet the highlight

is getting to the end

 seeing the ‘theme’ setup in a corner –

captain’s wheel, the bluest water, navigation devices

understanding why it is called

‘the lighthouse’

performance art at its finest and my clean car is merely a bonus

it’s really an immersive sensory art experience on the cheap.

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“told you. everything sounds better in a car wash.”

-sarah dessen

 

Dec4

white elephant.

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white elephant action shot

(not meant to be artsy, more of a testament to my photographic skill level)

 

enjoyed a holiday party with friends

food, drink, chatter, and fun

 white elephant game is always a hilarious part of this event

each and every game is different

and this year certainly did not disappoint!

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many people participate in secret santa gift exchanges. but others like to take things a step further and plan a white elephant swap. if you aren’t familiar, white elephant is a game in which everyone brings a wrapped present, places it in a pile and draws a number to determine the order in which the participants will select gifts to unwrap. as the game progresses, people have the option to unwrap a new gift or “steal” a previously opened present.

the game can get pretty heated, so naturally it offers a lot of opportunities for twitter humor. see today’s quotes below – a sampling of tweets about this very exciting game –

A white elephant gift exchange is a great way to secretly resent someone for swiping the dollar store bath bomb you didn’t think you wanted until you were stuck with the dollar store candle.
Teen came home wearing a fluorescent alligator around her neck she won from a white elephant exchange. She’s shocked no one else wanted it.
Every time I play White Elephant, I always say I’m not gonna get too intense. But 10 minutes in, I’m already yelling at people I’ve never met. Then by the end, I’m chasing Nikita down the block, in the pouring rain, for a pair of sunglasses. I need help.
You don’t know hysteria until you’ve played White Elephant with 10 girls under 13 and a One Direction toothbrush gets in the game.
Dec3

control.

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when having snow tires put on my car

had an early appointment

brought my laptop and a giant coffee

to settle in for an hour and a half or so.

while waiting

i planned to write and read and catch up on things

knowing there is always something going on

with any group of fellow ‘waiters.’

i sat at a high table to make for easy typing

 most everyone else sat in the lower, more comfortable chairs

quite soon after my arrival, the ambiance changed.

on the left side in front of me

a woman sat down

in the seat next to the remote control for the tv

meant to help the time pass, amuse, and distract everyone.

she immediately took control of the controller

switching whatever channel had been on

to fox news.

the woman in the family to my right

politely asked if she would mind changing

the channel from fox to something else.

she said yes and all good

in no time

we were all watching baywatch reruns

in high def, on the big screen, 90s music pumping

those red bathing suited beauties

running on the beach, boating, emoting, doing pull-ups, rescues, looking hot, and whatnot

and david hasselhoff, the hoff.

the workers at the tire store desk were mesmerized

some young enough to never have seen it before

some old enough to have had the poster and remembering.

i refilled my coffee

 the channel was not changed again

throughout my entire (now 2 hour), wait.

new customers coming in had mixed reactions

what an early holiday surprise!

“of all men’s miseries the bitterest is this: to know so much and to have control over nothing.”

-herodotus

Nov20

oh, deer!

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notice posted by the sebastian county sheriff’s office as a reminder to drivers (and deer):

We have received a few reports that some deer, for whatever reason, are not using the designated deer crossing areas along our county roads and state highways.  If any deer follow our page, please know that we put these signs up at some expense to the taxpayers.  We’d appreciate you crossing at the designated areas.  To our motoring community, please watch for these deer that are blatantly disobeying the law.

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“a small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. is there a way i can get reimbursed? please call.”

-dave barry

Oct30

full of it.

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this is not me, but we both have eaten our fill (and then some), of candy

before giving what’s left of it to halloween trick-or-treaters tomorrow night.

 

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“every time i avoid eating halloween candy, i reward myself by eating halloween candy.”

-author unknown

 

 

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art credit: ‘Maltesers’ by Alison Friend

Oct26

prepared.

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my daughter and her family are prepared for pretty much anything that comes their way.

(also noted: she had just given away a lot of it and this is what was left)

keep a wide berth if you are a pirate, clown, space alien, ninja, vampire, monster or….

—

 

“every time I thought I’ve seen every possible scenario, something else comes up.

you just have to be prepared at every level.”

-chris hansen