Tag Archives: humor

the kinder nap diaries – so many styles, so little sleep.

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the downward-facing up on the wall and on your head style

(includes the mysterious vanishing sheets technique)

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the get inside of your sheets and try to camouflage yourself in them

while you creep across the floor and think no one will notice style

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the fall asleep by accident in spite of yourself

and all of your best efforts to not to style,

while wrapped up in a sweaty and twisted cocoon

made of your own body and bedding.


“life is something to do when you can’t get to sleep.”

-fran lebowitz

glam.

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left wondering

how this sizable and colorful bra

ended up in the bag of children’s dress-up clothes

just sitting there quietly

mixed amongst

the mermaid, the dragon, and the cowboy gear

and who it might belong to.

all i know for sure is that

there is a story in here somewhere. 

“i have never been bored an hour in my life.

i get up every morning wondering what new strange glamorous thing is going to happen

and it happens at fairly regular intervals.

-william allen white

*on the other hand.

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(not me, just a low-budget re-enactor)

when my garage door opener stopped opening

the garage door opener guy came over to check it out

his prognosis:

  it was going to need to be replaced

 it was quickly wearing out and about done.

when i asked if it was like when your grandma is slowing fading away

he said:

“grandma is dead.”

with that, he disconnected it

told me that i would acquire new muscles

opening and closing it by hand each day

until i got a new opener system.

i figured i could put it off for a few days and then deal with it

but life interfered 

as it so often does. 

this morning

as  i was headed out for the day

 i grabbed the door to close it

 but

four fingers of my hand

somehow got stuck in the folding panels of the door as i rolled it down 

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 i yelled out and quickly sprung into action

  used my other hand to open it back up 

fueled by superhuman (sort of) strength and adrenaline

to save the hand that felt like

it was being painfully crushed by an angry gorilla.

with teeth.

 on caffeine.

i saw myself in a precarious position

with no time to waste

like

james franco

in “127 hours” 

where he had to use his dull pocket knife to saw off his arm

that was wedged between boulders in order to save his own life.

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(james, before he sprung into action)

once i freed my hand

i surveyed the damage

four squeezed fingers

with deep scarlet creases

swollen and throbbing

but all parts still there

good news. 

i drove with one hand to the home improvement store

unknown

walked to the back

found a wonderfully friendly worker who turned and said

“follow me to the wall and i hope i won’t be moving too fast.”

to which i replied:

“well, you do have an advantage.”

his response –

“really? i am in a wheelchair and you are walking on two legs.”

okay, so yes. 

didn’t think of that.

put my little mishap into perspective.

he turned and smiled and said:

“i’m  just kidding, but i am in a wheelchair.”

yes.

and that was it

he was great

we talked about his kids and school and teaching and accidents

the new stuff is ordered and the guys will be here this week to put it all in.

in the scheme of things

not too bad

not like the time i broke my toe dancing in the house and kicked the bathroom door when leaping.

or the time i sprained my foot playing family extreme badminton barefoot.

or the time i got my fingers caught in the hand mixer

when i was trying to pull out the beaters and it was still plugged in. 

or the time i_______ (fill in the blank here numerous times)

no, not like those times. 

but i’m thinking i should maybe ask for a pocket knife for mother’s day.

*disclaimer: this blog post was written with my ‘other hand’ and i am not responsible for errors.

“they’re funny things, accidents. you never have them till you’re having them.”
― a.a. milne

credits: fox searchlight films/127 hours, lowes, google images

vitals.

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glen frey the cat not the rockstar

has been rescued by me

twice now

both times from precarious situations

he was always very skittish and fearful of most everything

probably based on the traumatic experiences he’d been through

but

after the second time

he suddenly

became very affectionate

and clearly decided

that it was important

to remind me of this

each morning around 3:30

he does this in a way

that there can be no doubt

 jumping on my bed

nuzzling/pummeling me with his head

kneading everything he can find

purring loudly

circling around me

and somehow it feels like he is

an giant octopus nudging me to wake up with his head and eight hands

until i am sufficiently awake

then he finally settles in

laying on my feet

with what feels like an immovable 237 pounds or so of pure cat muscle

and promptly goes to sleep

snoring and in deep r.e.m.

maybe he thinks we are on guard duty and need to take shifts?

who needs an alarm?

“i read that when cats are cuddling and kneading you, and you think it’s cute,

they’re really just checking your vitals for weak spots.”

-kandyse mcClure