Tag Archives: humor

defendant.

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after making the decision

to challenge my traffic ticket

(I’m innocent, for the record)

my scheduled hearing

has been adjourned twice.

 in today’s mail

I received the new date

for my next potential hearing.

I had to laugh

when I picked up the new envelope

(for the third time now)

and it once again clearly read:

Defendant

just above my name

with the court address In the return corner

 I have to wonder

just what major crime

my mr. rogers sweet and friendly mailman

 thinks I may have committed?

‘we find the defendants incredibly guilty.’

– mel brooks

golden ticket.

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how lucky am I?
today I found the golden ticket
just waiting for me in my mailbox.
“It was a very beautiful thing, this Golden Ticket, having been made, so it seemed, from a sheet of pure gold hammered out almost to the thinness of paper. On one side of it, printed by some clever method in jet-black letters, was the invitation itself—from Mr. Wonka.”
– roald dahl,  (Willy Wonka), Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

chatty.

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I was 6 years old and so excited to finally get my chatty-cathy

a doll with a string in the back

that you could pull and she would talk

(18 phrases at random)

‘please take me with you’

‘may I have a cookie?’

‘I love you.’

she was a wonderful doll

 we were happy together

until

I came home one day

and noticed to my horror

that my oldest sister

had given her a haircut

(picture a choppy hacked pixie cut with stringy bits)

I did not have a good reaction to it

I exploded in tears

very dramatically

sobbing and instantly tattling on her

 chatty’s hair never grew back

and one day she was gone.

(the doll, not my sister)

after all these years

I still bring it up

to my sister

every so often

 she always tells me 

she had no idea

 I would have such a strong reaction

she was just trying to give her a fancy hair style

and while I have long-ago forgiven her

I still have no idea

what chatty may have said to her during the haircut.

“a beloved doll’s voice speaks directly to your soul

in a way that cannot be explained in words.” 

-gayle wray

 

p.s. I am not a fan of dolls as an adult, they kind of terrify me, especially talking ones.

 

image credit: Mattel Toys

scout.

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scout (in the original), walks home dressed as a ham.

I was cast to play scout

in a scene from ‘to kill a mockingbird’

as a favor for my friend

who was in an oral interpretation class

during her later in life college days.

the scene was the one

where scout was dressed as a ham

walking home through the woods

and the victim of an unknown attacker.

as I’m an incredibly horrible actress

I double-checked to see if she was sure

about wanting me for the role.

she was desperate and had no one else

so I was perfect, and was in!

she also cast my boyfriend at the time

as my brother

and our about to deliver a baby any second friend

as the narrator

that was it.

 the only actors in the scene.

we were the holy trinity of non-talent.

one important thing that I needed to know

in spite of knowing my few lines

to be delivered in a frantic southern accent

with lots of screaming and thrashing movements

was that my attacker was not going to actually exist on stage

it was all interpretive

I had to imagine and act

like I was being attacked

as I wrestled with my invisible assailant.

at last the big day finally arrived

the curtain rose

I drawled and shrieked out my part

rolling around, slamming into the walls

and fighting my attacker who did not exist

all while dressed in my ham costume.

once it was over

we all took our bows

 happy when the curtain finally went down.

after, I asked my friend’s husband,

(who was kind enough to have been in the audience

so we would be sure to have someone who clapped)

what he thought of my performance

and while his review was not exactly as expected

it was probably right on the mark:

‘you were like a cat in heat!’

my friend got an ‘a’ on the project.

“drama starts where logic ends.”

-ram charan

 

image credits: ‘to kill a mockingbird’ -universal pictures

fun is just a bite away.

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I’m curious why

there would be signs

distinguishing between

‘candy’ and kids candy?’

and then the added category of

‘candy bars.’

what if the sign just read ‘candy’ ?

I’ve never considered candy to be age-specific.

are toxic extreme sour patch garbage pail warheads

the gateway into a peppermint patty?

seems like it should be the other way around.

what’s the cutoff age to qualify to eat adult candy?

is it humiliating if you’re an adult and are seen eating the kid’s candy?

is it open season to eat the bars and all ages are welcome?

do you have to get someone to buy for you

if you don’t look the proper age?

do they see it as marketing to 3 different groups

each needing their own candy sign

all in one aisle?

who sorts them and decides which is suited for which?


I like to live on the edge and went with the rollos.

 

“taste the rainbow.”
John Bowen