Tag Archives: humor

panic in the paper aisle.

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World’s Largest Roll of Toilet Paper

10 feet high and 8.5 feet across.

weighs two tons.

contains a million square feet of squeeze-ably soft toilet paper.
will last me 1900 years.
according to my math
i’m good.

“i tend to stay with the panic. i embrace the panic.”

-larry david

 

 

 

credits: ripley’s believe it or not museum, branson, missouri, usa

all twerk, no play.

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i’ve been wanting to take a dance class,

and

this offer popped up in my feed,

but

i’m not quite sure

this is the one for me….

 Cardio Twerking Fitness Classes at Studio88 Pole Fitness

(Up to 68% Off)

Why We Like It

Twerking fitness classes provide a dynamic cardio workout to tone the body and develop self-confidence

About This Deal

Students of all skills and ability levels join twerking fitness classes to receive an intense cardio workout, stay physically fit, and develop confidence.

RULES FOR TWERKING:

1) RECONSIDER

 

 

image credit: quickcountry.com

defendant.

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after making the decision

to challenge my traffic ticket

(I’m innocent, for the record)

my scheduled hearing

has been adjourned twice.

 in today’s mail

I received the new date

for my next potential hearing.

I had to laugh

when I picked up the new envelope

(for the third time now)

and it once again clearly read:

Defendant

just above my name

with the court address In the return corner

 I have to wonder

just what major crime

my mr. rogers sweet and friendly mailman

 thinks I may have committed?

‘we find the defendants incredibly guilty.’

– mel brooks

golden ticket.

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how lucky am I?
today I found the golden ticket
just waiting for me in my mailbox.
“It was a very beautiful thing, this Golden Ticket, having been made, so it seemed, from a sheet of pure gold hammered out almost to the thinness of paper. On one side of it, printed by some clever method in jet-black letters, was the invitation itself—from Mr. Wonka.”
– roald dahl,  (Willy Wonka), Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

chatty.

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I was 6 years old and so excited to finally get my chatty-cathy

a doll with a string in the back

that you could pull and she would talk

(18 phrases at random)

‘please take me with you’

‘may I have a cookie?’

‘I love you.’

she was a wonderful doll

 we were happy together

until

I came home one day

and noticed to my horror

that my oldest sister

had given her a haircut

(picture a choppy hacked pixie cut with stringy bits)

I did not have a good reaction to it

I exploded in tears

very dramatically

sobbing and instantly tattling on her

 chatty’s hair never grew back

and one day she was gone.

(the doll, not my sister)

after all these years

I still bring it up

to my sister

every so often

 she always tells me 

she had no idea

 I would have such a strong reaction

she was just trying to give her a fancy hair style

and while I have long-ago forgiven her

I still have no idea

what chatty may have said to her during the haircut.

“a beloved doll’s voice speaks directly to your soul

in a way that cannot be explained in words.” 

-gayle wray

 

p.s. I am not a fan of dolls as an adult, they kind of terrify me, especially talking ones.

 

image credit: Mattel Toys