Apr18

My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it. – Mark Twain

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it began and ended with a rabbit. it was in my front yard for hours. it came each morning and sat like that for days on end. i told the ‘ 3 h’s,’ (my adult daughters), about this rabbit, who now seemed to have moved into my yard, but anytime any of them came over it happened to be gone, so they didn’t really believe me. they should have though, especially since they’ve called me snow white at times, due to the heavy traffic of woodland creatures who seem to hang out with me in my little yard, and it would have made perfect sense.

a couple of weeks later, i came home and was walking out to see the garden, when i looked up and caught my breath. i gasped, as my first impression, (for no known reason, don’t even try to analyze this one), was that a giant tin solider was standing there, stock still, and staring down at me. once i regained my composure, realized it was not a soldier, but actually, a 5 foot tall hand-carved wooden rabbit. and i don’t know which is more frightening really. i went inside and called the daughters, who confessed they had bought it for two dollars at a recycle center and placed it where i said my rabbit supposedly hung out each day. they thought i would love it and i do appreciate their humor.

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i moved the giant rabbit to the front porch and my real rabbit continued on with it’s daily visits for a couple more weeks, until one day when i noticed the poor rabbit had passed away. i called one of the h’s to come over and help me bury it, as i just couldn’t bring myself to do so. as we were talking on the phone, i saw two huge, black birds circling around it, and as they landed and approached the rabbit, it got up and hopped away. what???!!!! it was playing dead? what was going on? i then had to tell h that is was not in fact dead but was only playing dead. this really kicked my credibility up another notch.

as luck and coincidence would have it, and in keeping with my ‘always learn something from my dates streak’, i happened to have a first date that night with our state’s fur bearing animal specialist, who works for the dnr. his focus was really on wolves and bears, but i figured i could ask him what was going on with my rabbit as it was technically a fur bearing animal. he knew the answer right away and told me that a mother rabbit will stay still all day, faking death when necessary, so that other animals will not bother it, to protect baby bunnies in a nest nearby, until they are ready to hop out into the world on their own. who knew?

soon after, the rabbit just disappeared and i figured that the babies must have made their way out into the world. over time,the wooden totem pole rabbit became a mainstay at all of the celebrations at my cottage. it was decorated, carried signs, wore costumes, and greeted guests for many exciting events. it became a part of the family.

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my giant wooden rabbit decorated for the cat’s (sugar) birthday celebration

but – the rabbit drama was not over quite yet. all three daughters were over at my house one night, as i headed off for an evening with the ladies in my book club. they really had no plans, and i thought back to the days when they were little girls, and would cook up all sorts of adventure/trouble when they were together and had too much time on their hands. i brushed it off and went out on my own adventure.

when i came home, around midnight, i found a letter tucked into my front door. i discovered it was not a letter after all, but a police report. it seems someone had called the local police to file a complaint about a girl, (one of my h’s, and described as ‘latina- looking’), was yelling and screaming to get in the house and causing a huge commotion. oh, and that she was ‘indecently exposed’ wearing a thong of some sort. there was a hand written note at the end asking me to call the police in the morning.

i stormed in and thought about how i was going to deal with this whole crazy situation. i decided to sleep on it and as i went to pull back my covers, there was my giant carved rabbit, now dressed in my lingerie, waiting for me in my bed! i almost laughed but was still a bit crabby about whatever i had to do to deal with the police in the morning, so i just pushed it onto the floor and went to sleep.

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when morning came, i questioned the girls, each one saying ‘you tell her, you tell her.’ finally they told me that they were bored and had dared the youngest h, in her late teens, to run outside around their car, in a thong. when she came to the door they locked her out for a minute, and she ‘overreacted.’’ when i asked why she would have agreed to this, she said, ‘they promised me 10$ if i would do it and i needed gas money.’ i told her i would have just given her the money, but this was really ridiculous, and they were all going to come with me to the police station to straighten it out. they could not believe i was making them go with me, one had to go to work and her boyfriend even stood in for her, another called her boyfriend and said, ‘we are in big trouble, mom is really mad!’

as i loaded them all up and was heading there, still crabby, one asked, ‘are you really mad? you really seem like you might be.’ they know i very rarely get mad and so this was a serous situation. one then turned to me and said, ‘mom, we were just kidding. we were going to confess that we made it up, but we didn’t know you’d get so mad and you’d turn us in, your own kids, if we committed a murder, you probably would turn us in too!’ um,,, yes, i would.

it seems they had been planning this night for weeks. even the guys were in on it. the eldest h had somehow gotten her hands on a blank police report and they had spent some serious time thinking about what they could do with it. they took the time to type it out and think about what ‘crime’ they could have committed that would warrant a police report. the youngest ‘h’ probably would have done the thong run, so that made sense, and they knew i would react, but thought i would be laughing. i have to give them credit, it was pretty clever, and i told them i will get my revenge one day when they least expect it, when they are all together again.

i kept the giant rabbit for a few years. then passed it on to the youngest ‘h’ and she kept it for another year, before we sold it at her yard sale for two dollars, it’s original price. this rabbit had seen a lot of action and was ready to retire.Image

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.
 Erma Bombeck

 

50 responses »

  9. I do not think Erma’s daughters would have been wise and wily enough to concoct this escapade, for her to write about Beth.

    The three Hs really must have plotted and planned and predicted just how you would take learning that one of your daughters would run around the block like a thong-wearing Latina.

    You foiled them by shooting steam out of your ears the next morning, even.

    This is a great Easter story Beth. You presented it perfectly.

    I am, however, a tad disappointed that the Totem Rabbit has been sold out of the family.

    I am thrilled, however, that the three Hs would turn your original bunny yard tail into the acquisition of the Totem Rabbit in the first place.

    Brilliant all around.

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    • thanks mark, and brilliant was not the word i was using on that morning ) it was time to send our giant rabbit back into the universe after it had served its time with us. –

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      • Yes, but how could anybody else dress GR and adorn him with signs like you and the h’s did? I guess I just have to trust the universe. In any case, this was an Easter weekend post superb to the max, Beth.

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  11. I am exhausted and angry for you (since you don’t get mad). I would have been losing it. Glad it all turned out for the best, and that’s she’s not cavorting about in her thong. 🙂

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  13. That’s a great Easter story Beth! I love the sense of fun your daughters have. That was likely the first time your date had ever been asked about wayward rabbits by his date. Kids are too funny and you have to follow their logic for it to make sense sometimes. One day my wife and I arrived home from work (we were travelling together) and found all the furniture from our daughter Chantal’s room in the hall way. Her door was closed and we could hear voices. She was about 12 at the time and she and her older brother were trusted alone from end of classes ’til we got home. We opened the door and she had her bed and chest of drawers in the center of the room, covered in plastic and she and a girlfriend were standing looking at a wall with about 3 feet of new paint on it. She turned around and said: “Oh, good you’re home. We need more paint, we ran out.” Ha! She had helped us paint before and knew the basics but didn’t have any concept of how much paint it took to cover a room. She and her friend had found some partial paint cans and old brushes that I kept in the basement for touch-ups (scraped walls and such) and had decided to paint with about 2 inches of paint in the bottom of the can. Not quite enough – by a long shot. What could we say? She had taken the initiative, had done all the preliminary steps, had enisted help, and was only stymied by the paint volume. *Sigh* So, we rolled up our sleeves, got more paint, trim colors, an animal application for the top of the walls, new brushes, thinner, rollers, paint trays, and rags – and spent the weekend finishing it. To her credit, Chantal and her friend helped all weekend. When you have kids, your plans have to be flexible.

    Brings back a lot of memories on this Easter holiday. Thank you Beth!

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  19. I loved this story. Somehow, I’m not surprised at the imagination and (sick) sense of humor portrayed in this story. I mean, they are your daughters, after all! 🙂

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  20. Beth, this is too, too funny! What cheeky monkeys!!! I am one 5 girls myself…so I get the estrogen fed craziness…bless ’em! Yet, so much more fun in hindsight…

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  21. I wuv wabbits. The live ones, not the giant fake ones that would probably induce nightmares. Also interesting to see a $2 bill. Haven’t seen one of those in many, many years.

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