Oct22

try to be kinder.

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In May of 2013, celebrated author and MacArthur ‘genius’ George Saunders took the podium at Syracuse University and delivered a masterpiece of bequeathable wisdom, the commencement address. A year later it was adapted in “Congratulations, by the way: Some Thoughts on Kindness”, designed and hand lettered by Chelsea Cardinal.

With his gentle wisdom and disarming warmth, Saunders manages to dissolve some of our most deeply engrained culturally conditioned cynicism into a soft and expansive awareness of the greatest gift one human being can give another — those sacred exchanges that take place in a moment of time, often mundane and fleeting, but echo across a lifetime with inextinguishable luminosity.

I’d say, as a goal in life, you could do worse than: Try to be kinder.

In seventh grade, this new kid joined our class. In the interest of confidentiality, her name will be “ELLEN.” ELLEN was small, shy. She wore these blue cat’s-eye glasses that, at the time, only old ladies wore. When nervous, which was pretty much always, she had a habit of taking a strand of hair into her mouth and chewing on it.

So she came to our school and our neighborhood, and was mostly ignored, occasionally teased (“Your hair taste good?” — that sort of thing). I could see this hurt her. I still remember the way she’d look after such an insult: eyes cast down, a little gut-kicked, as if, having just been reminded of her place in things, she was trying, as much as possible, to disappear. After awhile she’d drift away, hair-strand still in her mouth. At home, I imagined, after school, her mother would say, you know: “How was your day, sweetie?” and she’d say, “Oh, fine.” And her mother would say, “Making any friends?” and she’d go, “Sure, lots.”

Sometimes I’d see her hanging around alone in her front yard, as if afraid to leave it.

And then — they moved. That was it. No tragedy, no big final hazing.

One day she was there, next day she wasn’t.

End of story.

Now, why do I regret that? Why, forty-two years later, am I still thinking about it? Relative to most of the other kids, I was actually pretty nice to her. I never said an unkind word to her. In fact, I sometimes even (mildly) defended her.

But still. It bothers me.

So here’s something I know to be true, although it’s a little corny, and I don’t quite know what to do with it:

What I regret most in my life are failures of kindness.

Those moments when another human being was there, in front of me, suffering, and I responded … sensibly. Reservedly. Mildly.

Or, to look at it from the other end of the telescope: Who, in your life, do you remember most fondly, with the most undeniable feelings of warmth?

Those who were kindest to you, I bet.

But kindness, it turns out, is hard — it starts out all rainbows and puppy dogs, and expands to include . . . well, everything.

 

 

—

credits: Maria Popova, Chelsea Cardinal, George Saunders

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89 responses »

  4. I used to see Ellen sometimes when I looked in the mirror. I suspect that much of her shyness and nervousness came from never getting positive acknowledgment as a child. It is sad to recognize that stories of people being kind are “big news“ because they are so irregular in happening. That is a very sad fact.

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  6. Love this…and I’m with you. I can find myself time traveling as I think back to moments where I could’ve been a better human – especially in response to those bits of awareness about someone’s pain…cloaked but still discernible. Reminding myself that small kindnesses mean the world when anxiety and uncertainty are in command. Cheers to you for this post. Sometimes being kind can feel like taking a big risk. I hear you. 💕

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  7. A beautiful, thought provoking post. Thank you. My two biggest compliments I got lately were: ‘you are so very kind’, and ‘ I’ve never met anybody more emphatic than you’. It’s what life thaugt me, it’s my mantra…. kindness and love.

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  18. I bet most of us (myself included) have had situations where we regret not speaking up on behalf of someone else. Courage often involves going against the grain. Hopefully, over time, we learn to speak up for those who are easy targets.

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  23. I had an experience today that brought this home in spades. I’m still having problems believing it. I’ll write about it tomorrow, meanwhile…

    Anyone who genuinely and constantly
    With both hands,
    Looks for something
    Will find it.

    Though you are lame and bent over
    Keep moving
    Toward the Friend
    With speech and silence, with sniffing about, stay on the track

    When some kindness comes to you, turn
    That way, toward the source of kindness.
    Love-things originate in the ocean.
    Restlessness leads to rest.

    Rumi, One Handed Basket Weaver

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  25. a beautiful and moving post; I love George Saunders short stories; I’d read them often in ‘The New Yorker’; a moving post, Beth; let’s hope she did well in life; as teachers we see the full spectrum of behaviours —

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  26. A moving post. It shows your kind heart if you’re still thinking about this years later. Just remember you were a little girl yourself, now you’re looking at your behavior through adult lenses, and I have a feeling you’re feeling guilty. Just remember you were a little girl then and just learning and trying to navigate this big world. Hugs.

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  27. Beth,
    This is such a beautiful and timely post. Kindness is so necessary, and sometimes we need to be reminded to step up and do a little more. A kind smile, a kind word, a kind gesture, it goes a long way.
    You care about others around you and it shows!
    Kindness is indeed everything!

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    • my pleasure to share it, and the memory was from the speech giver/writer’s personal experience, but I do have moments that I look back on as well and see where I could have been kinder or helped in some way. thank you so much –

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  33. Your beautiful post, Beth reminded me of this saying by Tao Te Ching:
    “Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love.”

    There’s no such thing as too much kindness <3

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  35. I too regret the unkind attitude most of us girls had toward the “Ellen” in our class, even though no one (that I know of) ever said anything mean to her. We mostly just ignored Ellen. That can’t be rectified now, but Lord, help me to reach out to the shy one, the one standing alone, the one others ignore. Let me show the compassion You did.

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  39. That was a lovely tale, beautifully written. You want to gather Ellen up, put her in cotton wool, and somehow make her world right. And I can relate to the regret at not doing more sometimes – though I am proud of taking on an odious little worm at school who was making another chap’s life more miserable than it already was. Kindness is so obviously right that we need to be reminded of it. Yet I’m afraid being told to ‘be kind’ irritates the hell out of me on occasion. Not everybody deserves to be treated kindly; in fact, just the opposite.

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