the vice is dwight



i am absolutely fascinated by one of the security people on my school campus. upon my first encounter with him, i immediately began referring to him as ‘dwight’, as he so reminded me of the character on the american sitcom, ‘the office’ who, when it came to the concept of security, was a bit overzealous to say the least. soon, other teachers began to believe this was his real name as i referred to him so often by that name, and over time, it just became a natural part of our school culture. 

each day, my dwight stands at attention, across from my school, armed with his whistle and his stop sign, and a with tool belt full of ‘stuff’, like a benign batman, that really could not inflict any harm on any living thing, luckily.

he wears his neon vest, waiting to put his orange cones out, to deter drivers from turning left into the driveway once the clock has hit 7:30am on the dot, thus averting a potential ‘too many cars in the driveway circle at one time calamity.’  problem is, he is always a bit overexcited and tends to place his cones out a few minutes early on most days, inciting drivers to try to explain/outwit/go around him in this arena. 

last year, he went after a teacher who violated his early cone placement, read her the riot act and tried give her a ‘citation’ of his own creation. (and what i wouldn’t give to have this in my possession). after this incident, he had a talk with his superiors and had his whistle taken away for a while.  

and yet, the madness and mayhem continue. this week, ‘dwight’ abandoned his post, and literally chased down another teacher, while holding his stop sign, recently-returned whistle bouncing on his chest, tool belt accessories jingle-jangling, and vest flapping in the wind, for violating his wall of cones, and this was physically no easy task for him. 

when he finally caught up with ‘the perp,’ they had a conversation about the exact time of his cone placement, and as he indignantly pulled his watch out of his pocket to prove his point, and as he was yelling about it having been 7:30, they both noticed it was actually only 7:31at this moment of confrontation. now, math is my weakest link, and i am no great detective by any means, but if i was to think backwards, and see how long it would have taken him to conduct his footchase, there is no conceivable way he could have reached his violator in 60 seconds. after some grumbling on both sides, they parted ways and once again, he returned to his post, ever vigilant, and watchful of any perceived wrongdoings. 

after all this, i thought about him, and wondered what makes him so concerned with rules and order, and why he has such a strong need to enforce such things, when no actual harm or danger is involved. i’d like to find out his story, his given name, and while i can never move on from thinking of him as dwight, and while i admire him for caring and taking his job so seriously, i’m not all that certain he could save any of us in the case of some real danger, though i do feel he would always be watching, and perhaps run to find someone who could help, whistle bouncing, and in that way, he would at last be the hero he longs to be. 


If I’d observed all the rules, I’d never have got anywhere. – Marilyn Monroe

The young man knows the rules, but the old man knows the exceptions. – Oliver Wendell Holmes


44 responses »

  1. Some would call him a want-to-be-hero while others, mainly teachers would more than likely call him a nuisance, with bloody being somewhere in the mix but at least he is taking his post seriously and rules, no matter what we think about them have to be adhered to.

    I guess he always wanted to be in law enforcement, probably not at school but this is what he knows best and does a really good, but rather annoying job of it in the process 🙂 Put it this way, his domain rules on signs, traffic cones and correctness and if anyone dares to step out of line, teachers or anyone else he is extremely quick to act, a sort of Super Hero with a whistle instead of a cape 🙂

    Look out Beth or you could be next 🙂 Enjoy a lovely weekend
    my sweet and great friend and watch out for the whistle blower 🙂

    Andro xxxx


  2. That was weird. Every time I tried to click on the title of this post it kept sending me this page cannot be found. Anyway…. great post. Ooooh how many of us have stories of someone we know like this! Funny, I just posted something about neighbors and so many people came back with neighbor stories of their own!
    I think from as early as grade school we have run into that token hall monitor that will never fit into the respected cop he is hoping to portray. Too bad. I have known many police officers that have that respect affect on everyone just because of their non demanding need for it. They are just who they are and their character speaks for it’s self. You just wanna respect them.
    Then there are those transparently pathetic few who need to demand respect and be right regardless of the situation. My husband recently got pulled over by one who mistakenly thought he was the guy in front of him who had actually done the thing he accused my husband of doing. You could see the look of realization on his face when my husband pointed out his mistake and he did eventually let him go but not without a lot of sarcastic remarks, accusing my husband of arguing with him… which he was not doing. Then we have over zealous security guards in our gated community that are constantly giving my neighbors warning… the latest one was too much dirt was showing in a flowerbed! There are just some people who become meter maids because they lack something in their own lives.
    Loved this one… I bet you will get a lot of comments as this one is read! Like my neighbor post did!
    So many people will relate or have at least one story! It was funny… even the nicest of people had at least one example of a difficult neighbor. As with this, we all have run into the rent-a cops that generate that need to talk about it! Loved this!


  3. Beth, I enjoyed reading this story! Dwight definitely takes his job seriously:-) I love the quotes you included.

    We recently got a new security guard at our school and he stopped the same teacher three times to ask her for her “pass”. 🙂


  4. I miss you geographically Beth, but your articles give me a “Beth-fix”. You are always welcome to come visit. Come see our latest great surroundings! Bring Bronwyn!


  5. Having his whistle revoked must have been devastating for Dwight. I bet if you delve more deeply, you will find evidence of his Northern European (i.e. German/Swiss/Scandi) heritage. They are a sucker for rules. Trust me, you don’t want to fail to signal in the bike lane here in Denmark….


  6. I think every workplace has a Dwight. Someone who goes so much by the “book” they are actually comical. Where I work his name is Jerry. He runs a crane in our plant and although he is one of our best workers by far he can really be funny. I hope you are enjoying your school year so far. Don’t forget to have fun on the weekends. 🙂


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