and the hit parade of online dating profile names sent my way continue to roll on in. this month’s top picks:
shagadelica
butthead
ripperjack
hotbonerup
snotdoc
runwildnude
Apr20
Category Archives: Life
Apr14
get up off your nia-s!
What is Nia?
Nia is a sensory-based movement practice that draws from martial arts, dance arts and healing arts. It empowers people of all shapes and sizes by connecting the body, mind, emotions and spirit. Classes are taken barefoot to soul-stirring music in more than 45 countries.
talked my daughter into taking this class with me. assured her it would be great, low-key, fun, we would just blend in, (i have a history of having stamina, enthusiasm and strength, though not a lick of coordination, and she detests being the center of attention), and i stressed that it would be a relaxing, bonding experience for us, all while getting in great shape.
the class started out slow, with a challenging set of movements and stretches and new-agey music, then i heard someone talking about the ‘good auras’ they were seeing and chakras all around, and it was on! there were all sorts of interpretive dance moves and exercises happening – people twirling, gliding, karate-chopping, leaping. my daughter glanced over at me, we both were smiling, though she had the look of ‘really, what next, are you kidding?’ on her face. i believe i may have seen an eye-roll as well.
at this point, i’m going to go out on a limb and guess that it all took a final bad turn for her when our trainer announced that we would ‘each act out our day with a dance,’ and she had chosen my daughter to go first and to solo. i felt the glare, a bit more intense than kryptonite, coming towards me, and i did my best to avoid any eye-contact. soon after, she blurted out, ‘how am i supposed to do this?! i have had a hell on earth day, i’m in the construction business – dealing with historical commissions, zoning boards, sub-contractors, neighborhood councils, city council, requests for bribes, and an incompetent supplier!?’
she did a little twirl, the trainer and the rest of the class clapped for her, and that was the last move of our nia experience together. i believe some people’s chakras may have been thrown off a bit.
Apr11
hash-ku
annual bash fest
dogs, kids, preps, bikers, hippies
mixed danced for freedom
Apr7
when worlds collide
Q: what do you get when you mix?
– hometeam ncaa final four win
– dance for mother earth american indian pow wow
– festifools parade
– hash hash
– foolmoon luminary festival
– one man anti-war protest
A: the perfect storm = just another weekend here in ann arbor.
Apr5
say ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
this game was in the silent auction at school and i was not surprised at all that no one bid on it. as it was a leftover, it was very generously offered it to me on behalf of my kindergarten classroom. i happily accepted and looked forward to sharing it with the kinders.
then i put my glasses on.
one in-focus look at this box and i was immediately horrified. between the grinning ‘dentist’ holding the gigantic tooth in massive pliers, all of the other monster-sized tools laying in wait, and the ‘patient/victim’ with missing teeth and a horrified look on his face, i was beside myself. aside from my own dental fear, i imagined that most children seeing the cover would develop a phobia even if they did not have one before.
my free-spirited friend offered to take it home to try on her children, (as well as one of her unsuspecting neighbor kids), to gauge their reaction. this experiment was to serve as an ad hoc litmus test to see how young children might react to it.
upon laying eyes on the game, ‘pearly whites,’ the 3 children in our focus group – sophie, clare, and natalie, instantly loved it and had absolutely no fear of it whatsoever. as a matter of fact, they giggled with delight as they roved around the gaping mouth, moved ahead to the canines, climbed up the bridge of dental floss, slid down mouthwash falls, and moved back 2 spaces as ‘punishment’ for having a cavity. their collective review was, “it was really fun and we want to play again!”
what? perhaps it is just me?
————————————
some tortures are physical
and some are mental
but the one that is both
is dental.
-ogden nash
Mar31
rise up! i am now officially afraid of easter.
while looking for holiday lesson ideas to share with my kinder class, i stumbled upon this one from a home-schooling page online. i must say i found it terrifying.
‘jesus in the tomb – cooking lesson’
‘jesus said he would rise from the dead in 3 days. he rose in 3 days.’
supplies needed: crescent rolls, marshmallows, cinnamon, margarine
directions: take one marshmallow and dip it in margarine. roll it in cinnamon. have the children place it inside of the center of the triangle of dough. have them fold the dough around the marshmallow so that the marshmallow is ‘buried’ in its tomb. bake according to the crescent roll package directions. have the children take the role of the guards at jesus’ tomb. have them stand guard at the oven. take the rolls out of the tomb (oven) and let the cool. the marshmallows will be gone, just like jesus’ body was gone!
other suggested lessons:
creative writing – have the children pretend to be reporters interviewing pontius pilate. ask him things like: why did you make your decision? were you pressured into it? have the children use their imagination to answer the questions.
art/literacy lesson – have them lay on large paper, trace them, and write across their chest – ‘jesus lives in me.’
food lesson – make easter sandwiches, crust symbolizes god, white is jesus, fillings are holy spirit. choose your fillings, can use red fillings to symbolize blood, share them, give thanks and enjoy!
after reviewing all of this, i opted to color eggs, hide them, show scary easter bunny pics, and eat a lot of chocolate.
Mar29
dying on the blue cross
d
once again, i’ve stumbled into a bureaucratic rabbit hole:
in short, i filled out a ‘healthy incentives’ survey in order to qualify for the most cost effective program offered by my health insurance provider. somehow it all went wrong at *step 1.
- *i filled out the survey
- felt happy that i had completed a horribly tedious piece of paperwork and based upon the results, would easily qualify for the program
- got a letter from blue cross
- letter said they never received my survey and i was now automatically enrolled in the higher cost plan
- i called them (where things got worse)
- music i was subjected to while on hold during the experience: smooth jazz, easy listening, elevator cover music
- departments i spoke with/was on hold with/opted into with my keyboard pounding : customer service, non-compliance, nursing, engagement center, health resource coordination center
- lots of 800 and 888 numbers and extensions involved
- conversations along the way:
‘ who gave you this number?’
‘the letter you sent me listed it as the one to call.’
‘who told you to call us?’
‘you did.’
‘can we call you back?’
‘no.’
‘our department doesn’t handle this kind of thing.’
‘i really have no idea who deals with this.’
10. after lots of transferring action, holds, disconnects, etc. – more conversation:
‘i can see the form you filled out online, and it does look like you qualified for the healthy incentives option, but you never pushed the button at the end to get your official score.’
‘so, you do see that i’ve filled it out?’
‘yes.’
‘and it shows i am healthy and do actually qualify?’
‘yes.’
‘but because i didn’t push the button it doesn’t count?’
‘yes.’
‘yes, it counts?’
‘no. yes, it does not count.’
‘what can i do about it?’
‘well it is after the deadline now.’
‘what can i do about it?’
‘i guess file a complaint.’
‘will i be paying the higher rate in the meantime?’
and – after 1 hour and 47 minutes, my favorite and final response:
‘i would definitely not be able to answer that.’
(i believe that if i was to fill out the survey again after this, i may not qualify as ‘healthy’ due to a rise in my blood pressure and an elevated heart rate. though of course this is just a guess, because there is definitely no one who would be able to answer that.)
Mar26
why i’m still single #5 –
to my date in the not too distant past:
was it was your tale of being abducted by aliens?
was it was your boast of – ‘you probably would never know that i’m carrying..’?
maybe it was your cologne?
Mar24
beware those with buck teeth, tall ears, big oval eyes, acrylic fur, and especially giant paws
took a few of the babies to have breakfast with the easter bunny. all was good, no one cried, they smiled and high-fived him, and much to my surprise, when we sat down on the bench next to him and huddled close for a picture, he pulled me closer and whoops – a side boob feel. awkward and score one for the giant fuzzy nerd. even worse, i had to go back and give him one more hug to get a stuffed lamb for the baby who was at home sleeping. this easter season is off to a tremendous start!
__________________________
Many years ago, we had a company-wide vote for our company-wide mascot, and the choices came down to the Boston tree fern, beef tape worm and a llama. And somehow the llama won the vote.
(Will Wright)
Mar19
only rules rush in….
in trying to file some final paperwork following my mother’s death, i found myself time and again in the local social security office. for some reason, (as in, i was dealing with a bureaucracy), it took me forever to complete what i had assumed was an easy task.
the office was only open during my working hours, so i had to wait for a day off to come around before i could get everything filed with them. in the meantime, i got tired of looking at all of these papers and tried to call in sick one day but that didn’t work out as planned, had a snow day at home and drove there through the icy roads only to be told, ‘of course, we’re not open, we close every wednesday at noon’, went during my winter break only to find i didn’t have the right forms, i was missing some obscure piece of original paperwork, and on and on….
well the day finally came when all the stars were aligned, the office was open, i had the day off, and i was armed with every possible form of documentation they could potentially need. i walked through the door, signed in and was handed a number. when i finally heard my lucky #488 called, i went to ‘window z’ to file the papers at last.
upon looking at my form, window z woman said, ‘i’m not sure what this is, i don’t understand.’ her reaction kind of surprised me as it seemed to be a standard form, one provided by their office in the first place, and they are the ones who had insisted that it needed to be completed and brought back to them. with all original, obscure documentation of course. i suggested that she talk to the last guy i had dealt with there, (window x), as he seemed to have had a pretty good handle on it during my last visit. after a quick stop at window x, she returned, said everything was in order, and let me know that i should hear back from them in 6 months or so, as they “usually work very slowly.” i easily agreed with her on this one –
as an afterthought, while there, i thought i’d mention that i’d noticed someone in their office had mistyped my address when sending out my last notice from them, and it was now off by one digit. i explained that only reason i actually got the letter was that my postman saw it, figured it out, and brought it to me. i asked if they could change it back from ‘123 to 124’ so that in the future, i would actually get mailings from them and wouldn’t have to rely on good luck, timing, and a nice postman.
she delivered her quiet response with a straight face and a certainty that only the truest bureaucrat can possess. ‘we cannot change your address once you are dead.’ even though i tried to point out that i was actually alive and sitting in front of her, requesting that my address be changed back to the correct one, and that i was simply representing the dead person, and trying to make sure that i received mail from them that they insisted i respond to, under penalty of federal offense.
she simply looked me in the eye and repeated, ‘we cannot change your address once you are dead.’ i thanked her for her time and her help, and mentioned that i hoped i would actually receive the letter from them when it arrived in 6 months or so, or perhaps my neighbor would get it. with a mutual nod, and new level of understanding, we parted ways.
I didn't have my glasses on.... 