Category Archives: humor

Oct2

butter rum?

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am i the only one who never ate butter rum lifesavers as a child
because i thought they had rum in them?
maybe pirates ate them?
for some reason i never questioned the idea that they’d sell liquor candy to children.
—
it turns out they didn’t, as described by the candy company below:
what flavor are butter rum lifesavers?
“the aroma alone will ignite your tastebuds as you happily experience the irresistible and warm flavors. each candy is filled with an incredibly creamy texture and a buttery and sweet taste with a hint of saltiness. warm and smooth tasting and echoing a gentle note of rum, creating a decadent and distinctive flavor.”
what?!
 paradigm shift.
—
“candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.”
-ogden nash, american poet
—
image credit: life savers, mars candy company
Aug20

so, how’s a poet to even try to keep their days straight?

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yo!

rainbow

hello

don’t go!

 

—

an original, in honor of bad poetry day

which i just missed 

but now

it’s very nearly national poets day

and before too long will be national poetry day.

and so

see below.

—

Hard on the heels of Bad Poetry Day on August 18

Comes National Poets Day on August 21

Presumably we celebrate good poets for this day.

Although Poets Day could certainly refer to any poets, good or bad.

It could even mean you! If you’re a poet …

So on August 21, celebrate the poet in you. Or in your friend. Or your favorite poet. It’s all up to you.

This day is different from yet another day celebrating poets and poems: National Poetry Day in October.

Aug16

i’m not joking.

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every august 16th it’s national tell a joke day

 not my best holiday

 i’m a horrible joke-teller

i’m more of a story-teller

 a whole other skill set

all i’ve ever been able to remember

is my one go-to joke

(and even this is iffy, as i often add part of the answer into the question part of the joke)

“what animal loves summer the best?”

“a hot dog!”

(i learned this years ago when my daughter was in a kindergarten talent show and did stand-up comedy)

she got an amazing response perhaps because she was a brave kinder doing stand up and the audience ate it up

i decided it would be my standing joke from that moment on

sure to get a laugh

though when i tell it, in whatever convoluted manner it manages to be delivered

i generally either hear groans or silence from any audience of any age or any number

so i guess the joke’s on me. 

“i’m gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.”

-mitch hedberg

 

 

—
credits: “hot dog” by doug salati (caldecott award winner), penguin random house, google images

Jul1

cheeky monkey.

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 this lamp popped up online

bringing me great joy

 making me laugh out loud

 each and every time i’ve looked at it

i may have to buy it

or at least put a picture of it somewhere

there is no accounting for good taste

when you know, you know.

 

p.s. someone once said i reminded them of a cheeky monkey, and i loved it, perhaps i saw a bit of myself in this.

do you have an unusual object that brings you unexplained joy?

—

“i just want to spend the rest of my life laughing.”

-author unknown

Jun27

dignity.

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i went shopping

for two very different gifts

the first 

 a bit of fancy lingerie for a soon to be bride to be

the second 

a book about animal art for my granddaughter’s soon to be birthday

all went well at the first shop, i found a beautiful gift

 at the second shop, i found the perfect book

but when i looked down

i noticed that the lingerie has spilled out of my bag

right onto the floor

smack dab in the center of the little indy bookstore

i casually picked it up without too much fuss

laughing to myself

but when i tried to put it back in the bag

i discovered that the bag had torn

which led to it falling out in the first place

when next trying to quickly stuff it in the bag

it kept getting worse

 falling to the ground a couple more times

so i finally 

had to scoop the whole mess up in my arms

and clutch it to my body

 carrying it to the register to buy the book

leaving one arm free to pay

no one said a word

but they did offer me a small chocolate and a smile as i left.

—

“i left the room with silent dignity, but caught my foot in the mat.”

-george grossman

Jun18

on father’s day.

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MENTAL FLOSS TRIVIA:

62% of fathers have embarrassed their children by doing this.

What is it?

ANSWER: Walking in front of their children’s friends in just their underwear

 

—

“to an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.”

-dave berry

 

 

 

—

photo credit: pinterest

May21

hit.

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when coming home

not only did i find the pinata’s footprint

but also the foot.

this has all the makings of an organized hit

it’s a working crime scene at the moment.

—

Jefe : I have put many beautiful pinatas in the storeroom, each of them filled with little surprises.

El Guapo : Many pinatas?

Jefe : Oh yes, many!

El Guapo : Would you say I have a plethora of pinatas?

Jefe : A what?

El Guapo : A *plethora*.

Jefe : Oh yes, you have a plethora.

-From the 1986 film, The Three Amigos:

May19

tartle.

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the photo on the left illustrates my reaction

when running into someone that i’ve met before

and its awkward because i cannot, for the life of me

remember their name

and i just have to say

“great to see you again’

and if i ever have to introduce them to someone else

i just have to introduce the person with me instead

 hoping they’ll pick up the cue and respond with their own name.

for 3 years i called one of my old neighbors ‘phil’

 until another neighbor said

“i don’t know who you’re talking about, do you mean, al?”

“yes, as a matter of fact, i think i do.”

 

—

my new perfect word of the day –

‘tartle’ (verb, scots)

(to hesitate while introducing or meeting someone because you have forgotten their name)

May15

dalmatian.

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waiting for the kids again and yet again

his day jobs

are driving the fire truck and acting in movies

but when the weekend comes

he’s manning the wheel of the minivan

doing errands and chauffeuring the pups around

to all their social events and games

just like every other dalmation.

—

“i’m the one with the spots.”

-anonymous dalmatian author

 

May12

in the wild.

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imagine my delight

 when discovering this spring baby giraffe 

in the woods near my home

i had no idea that they were native to michigan.

—

 

“however much you know giraffes, to see one in the wild for the first time feels prehistoric.”

-jane goodall