Tag Archives: humor

breakfast jam

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looking back at my week and remembering how it started out, with a literal standstill. almost to work, just a few miles away, and traffic ground to a dead halt. all lanes full, no one moving an inch. switched from cd to radio and heard power lines were down across this busy road due to overnight storm, and that the road was closed less than one mile ahead. numerous warnings to avoid this road at any cost. too late. stuck in the middle of it all. any traffic trying to go through would be diverted to do a u-turn and headed back in the opposite direction. nowhere for me to turn off as just offices and businesses on my side, until i could get to the next mile road. 

settled in for a bit of a wait, texted my teaching partners, and just watched it unfold around me. the diverted traffic began to back up going in the other direction, emergency vehicles tried to get through, to rescue people somehow getting into accidents going 3 mph. perhaps not letting each other into their lane? watched people in other cars, most on cells, out of cars trying to see what was going on ahead, listening to music, coming up with strategies, calling into work and wherever they needed to be, trying to move to the ‘best lane.’ people walked by, moving faster than the traffic. 

saw a helicopter arrive overhead, people jockeyed for position, cars continued to crawl ahead and up and over. finally got close to the next mile road where i could turn, saw a firetruck pulled all the way across the road ahead of me. 1 mile of distance had equaled 1 hour of time. made my move, made my turn, oops – that road was closed for construction. determined. followed a rogue line of cars through a neighborhood, somehow emerged on the other side of it all, back on my original busy road i needed to be on, got back on track to where i was going, looked to my left, saw a full moon. 

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Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic. – Dan Rather

 

water fills up empty spaces

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and as the unseasonable heavy rains and storms continue today, i am reminded of a wonderful event a few summers back. i was with my family at a large amusement park. it was beautiful out, without a cloud in the sky and we walked around, like most other people that day, staying within our group, enjoying the park and enjoying the day. suddenly, without much warning, the sky grew very dark and raindrops began to fall. as the rain became heavier, people began to take shelter under whatever they could find, planning to wait it  out. 

within minutes, the rain became quite out of control, with an onslaught of hard, sideways, piercing water. it was relentless. and  it quickly became obvious that it was useless to even attempt to stay dry. little by little, everyone began to come out from under their makeshift ‘shelters’, take off wet shirts, and shoes and whatnot, and just fully immerse themselves in the rain, some literally laid in it, as the ground fiooded so quickly, like a warm and wild jacuzzi. there was really no choice but to surrender to it all, and people began to openly laugh and jump and play and dance and embrace the rain. strangers bonded together in full laughter and in this the sudden unexpected experience they had absolutely no control over. all ages, all sizes, all genders, all colors, all human.

after a few more minutes of this, the clouds and the rain moved on, as suddenly as they had arrived, and the sun came back out, bright and yellow, signaling a return to calm. the only clues that it was all real, were the water on the ground, people’s soaked clothing and hair, and the smiles on their faces. soon, people stopped playing, wrung out their clothes, got back in their groups, and walked on. as if it had never happened. it was the highlight of my day.

The best thing one can do when it’s raining is to let it rain. – Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

answer: ” this could mean trouble but i think the numbers will be really big, so relax, sit back, and enjoy.”

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question:  ‘how am i supposed to win at drag queen bingo if i forgot my glasses?!’

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gotta love sunday at bingo with the church ladies. lots of love and fun in that room. didn’t win. had a ball.

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Sunday school don’t make you cool forever.  – Sly Stone

 

when your window of opportunity suddenly slams shut

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 i read the following text, sent to me at work by one of my loved ones: ‘it was the perfect storm, everything that could have happened has happened at once.’ through a series of quick back and forth, i found out what went on and was very relieved to see that somehow everything had turned out okay in the end. here is her story –

as a wife and mother of two young children, having time for yourself is a rare occasion, and if there is a chance moment where it looks like this might happen, it is important to seize every second of it. her day had begun like many others – husband at work, toddler at pre-school, dog taking a nap, and baby, not feeling well, (and having been up all night), had finally fallen asleep just wearing her diaper. it seemed that the kids had taken out every toy and item not nailed down the night before, but she had other things to do rather than clean it all up. she was on a mission. this was mama’s moment at last. she quickly undressed and was ready to step into the shower when she heard the boom. 

she quickly ran out naked and saw the backyard filled with white smoke. grabbing the first clothes she saw, she dressed herself and the baby, who was now crying again, found the leash and collar for the dog, (a gentle giant), who was now alerting to danger and barking up a storm, grabbed the lovebirds, the fish, the cat, the frog, and her cell phone. ran outside, called 911, called her husband. 

told him it was coming from the area of the generator outside. they had had a power surge the day before and he told her to hit the ‘kill switch’ to shut it off. somehow, in calling 911, the first time, it began automatically redialing 911 with every new phone call or text. she heard many sirens coming, but going on by. they live in the country, down a long dirt driveway, and the trucks seemed not to be able to find the house. she put the baby down on the grass, near the bunny hutch, and the rest of the menagerie, and went to hit the switch. even then, it turned off for just a moment and started up again, with even more smoke pouring out. 

she ran back and picked up the baby, took the dog by the leash, and ran the 1/4 mile down the driveway to lead the firemen in. she met them at the road, and ran back to the house. her driveway is surrounded by trees on both sides and after a minute she realized the big truck stopped following her. as she looked back she saw it stuck in her yard as it had headed off the driveway. the grass was somewhat soft due to recent rain and the truck was too heavy for it. the firemen bail out of the truck and along with the firefighters from 2 neighboring areas, and 7 sheriffs, now on the scene, they all run to the house, disconnect the generator and gas line, work their magic, and then survey the perimeter.

as she ran into one fireman coming around the corner of the house, he said ‘hey, aren’t you __’s mom, (her daughter at pre-school), ‘i’m ___’s dad?!’ (his son is in her class at preschool). ‘how ya doin’?’ ‘good to see you, i’m going to have to do a walk-through now, to make sure everything is safe.’ she welcomes the security and safety of this gesture but remembers how the house looks and what she is wearing/not wearing. not much she could do about it at that point, and really the least of the issues. 

after his walkthrough he emerged to say, ‘hey, i know a lot more about you now, it’s almost like we’re related.’ she smiled and he tells her the truck may be there for a while, (3 hours), while they wait to be towed out, as they tried emptying their water into her pond and still are stuck in place. 

one of the sheriffs tells her that the driveway is in violation of the township ordinance, and needs to be upgraded to be safe for emergency personnel. after their afternoon spent together, many thanks given all around, and a visit from a tow truck, all emergency responders, (looking like a crew from a calendar), head back to their stations. her husband came home and redid the driveway, adding stone and filling it in, and made iit safe for emergency personnel. she took her shower. 

 

When things go right it’s hard to figure out why, but when things go wrong it’s really easy.  –  Steven Soderbergh 

 

 

knock knock.

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who’s there?

giant stick.

giant stick who?

giant stick mantis knocking at your door. can you come out to play with me?

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aussie grandson m welcomes a friend who came knocking at his door one fine morning

One touch of nature makes the whole world kin.

William Shakespeare

working at the zoo?

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not exactly sure what is going on, but all sorts of memos about animal mayhem on campus.

is it an uprising? are these incidents somehow connected? 

in the endless sea of boring communications at school, these animal memos always brighten my day.

To: Community_Dist
Subject: Important Announcement

Wednesday evening, coyotes were spotted.  While coyote attacks on humans are uncommon they can be aggressive towards small animals such as small dogs and cats.  In addition, Coyotes can be carriers of rabies making it important not to approach or come in close contact with these animals.  Coyotes are primarily nocturnal, but can be seen in daylight hours. If you reside on campus, please take the necessary steps to protect your small pets and yourself.  As always, when walking your pet please use a leash to help keep your pet from encountering a potentially dangerous situation.

If you have questions or need further information, please contact the Human Resources department or Public Safety.  

Thank you,

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To: Community_Dist

Subject: guinea pig cage

Hello,

I’m wondering if anyone has seen my guinea pig cage with water bottles, feeding dishes, and other stuff.  It was inadvertently “thrown out” and I need it for our new guinea pig, Buddy.

To: Community_Dist

Subject: Have you lost a parakeet?

Hello,

A parakeet has been recently seen.The concern is that it may have gotten loose from a resident or classroom on campus.  If you lost your pet, please contact us asap.

Thank you,

Perhaps measuring animal intelligence by comparing it to human intelligence isn’t the best litmus test.

Ingrid Newkirk

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image credit: (erikearossi.com)

scary halloween tale of the scary halloween tail

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my team and i decided to be birds for school today, as we’ve been teaching our kinders about birds and trees and all things natural. j1’s flamingo was darling, j2’s robin was so cute, and my cardinal – well, very colorful, but good thing they told me just before the parade that i was wearing it backwards and was proudly strutting around showing off quite a bit of human tail.  

I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn’t itch. – Gilda Radner

 

 

deer season is open

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aussie grandson m rests peacefully in the states, far away from the sharks, snakes, spiders, puffer fish, and a myriad of super venomous creatures from the animal kingdom down under. never imagining he is under the watchful eye of a woodland deer –

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The best proof of love is trust.

Joyce Brothers

how to be sure it’s done –

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when you hear the explosion, you will know that the food or drink you are reheating is ready. perhaps, beyond ready, though no need for a traditional kitchen timer. you just settle in with a good book, and when you hear that sudden burst, that familiar sound of something cracking, it startles you back into reality and you know it’s time. here are just a couple of recent examples:

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a nice cup of coffee with cream

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and then, a steaming bowl of tomato basil soup. (that now resembles a crime scene).

the applications are endless. you can use this with most any food item.

and while some may feel it may not be the best shortcut to take, it’s pretty much a failsafe system. 

Life is about timing.  – Carl Lewis