Tag Archives: humor

what has 4 wheels and writes?

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i am fascinated, time and again, by my garbagemen. they’ve taken on the role of old-school catholic nuns – strict with their rules, calling me out in front of everyone, and trying to teach me using a tough love approach, though they use ink rather than chalk as their medium of choice, and rap my knuckles with pens rather than wooden rulers.  

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i am always amazed, that for some reason, there are times when they see fit to stop on their route and write me a note, leaving sticky notes on top of my bins. these notes tell me what i’ve done wrong: bins too close together, wrong item in the wrong bin, green bin to the left of the blue bin, trash not in alphabetical order, and god knows what else, a myriad of my garbage sins.   

i find it hilarious that they will take the time to stop and write me these notes rather than just moving a bin over 8.5 inches if need be, taking the trash, and going on with their day. no, instead, they leave it full and with a note atop, promising to be back the next week at the appointed hour to attempt to pick it up again, when my mistake has been corrected. i imagine, at that point they figure i will have done my penance and they will have forgiven me my sins and they are willing and able help me to dispose of my trash, so that i can start anew with a clean slate once again. these guys are all forgiving and have no limit to trying to teach me to do better, and i plan to give them a lovely pen set for christmas this year. 

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 I lived through the garbage. I might as well dine on the caviar . Beverly Sills

 

it don’t mean a thing if it ain’t got that swing

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going through my mother’s papers – organizing, passing on, saving gems – i came across an old newspaper, circa 1962, and loved everything about this article:

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“Show me a man with a great golf game, and I’ll show you a man who has been neglecting something.”
-John F. Kennedy 

 

shopping with methuselah at home depot

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None are so old as those who have outlived enthusiasm.  – Henry David Thoreau

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while waiting in line to buy some late summer flowers, i heard a sweet voice over my shoulder. i turned to look, and the man behind me, who appeared to be at least 157+ years old, was talking to me.  his joy was infectious, and left us both happy, after such a short and random encounter.

methus: ‘wow, a pretty girl has bought me a flower!’

me: ‘yes, it is for you.’

methus: ‘only charge her 1.98 please.’

(checkout woman looked confused. looked at the price tag again. meths laughed out loud.) 

methus: ‘have you been good?’

me: ‘yes i have.’

methus: ‘i expect not.’

me: ‘are you having a good day?’

methus: ‘hell, i don’t know. i wouldn’t even know the difference.’

(another hearty laugh as i gave him one of my flowers and we each went our separate ways) 

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Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. – Mark Twain

 

i cannot believe you are leaving me like this after all we’ve been through together

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just got a handwritten note from my newspaper deliveryman. he said he is ‘quitting the route to move on to something else’,  but that he’s enjoyed our years together. it’s all so sudden, and we have had such a rocky history, but i will miss our odd give and take. 
 
even though we never met each other, we’ve had many interactions over the years. because he is a man, and not a boy, he delivers from his car, early morning, and our ships pass each other in the night. he’s an interesting delivery guy, seems a bit on the lazy or crazy side, and i’d love to know his story. 
 
each morning, while it is still dark out, he drives by to deliver the paper. when delivering, he inevitably is a lazy/bad shot and tosses my paper to the end of my driveway where it slopes and collects water, snow, and whatever other debris that nature has chosen to deposit there.  i’ve emailed and called the paper various times to have them ask him to please just throw it closer to the house, or out of the water zone, etc.  his response time and again, has been to wrap the paper better and throw it 8-12 inches further up the drive.(i have done my mathematical calculations, and have figured out that by the time the next decade rolls around, it should be somewhat close to my house.)  he keeps this up for around 2 weeks generally, and then it’s back to the end of the driveway. one time, he actually drove further up the driveway and threw the paper, but backed into my wooden garden border on the way out, so he must have decided it wasn’t worth the high level of risk involved.
 
there are other times when he’s failed to deliver, or delivered late, and the local manager has had to deliver it himself or i’ve been credited, or he’s said that because there were so many ads, and it took him a long time to put it all together. it was always something with him, but i never gave up hope that over time, he would master the process. (plus he was the only one who delivered the paper in my area.)
 
even after all of this, one of our most memorable experiences has to have been the time i heard an early morning crash in front of my house. my first thought was that i had my car that i was selling parked out front and that the paperman was probably the only one out at that time of day. i soon saw blue flashing lights and answered a knock on my door. it was the police telling me that my paperman had rammed into my car, and that he was calling his paper to get advice. they said he was driving on the wrong side of the road, so that he could deliver the papers and had slammed into my car. now, a few questions went through my head – like why he didn’t notice a car in right in front of him?, was he still out partying from the night before?, etc. 
 
we looked across the dark, towards each other, and that is the closet we ever came to meeting. i called his paper, who agreed to pay for repairs and a rental car. he continued to be my paperman, and each christmas he’d enclose a card in one of the papers, wishing me a happy holiday, thanking me for my business, and enclosing a self-addressed envelope.  i’d always tipped him by mail when getting a bill, and at christmas i’d send him a bonus, as he’d grown on me after all these years, and in spite of his beyond horrible delivery style. and now, it is all over, with just a letter. it ended as suddenly as it all began. i will do my best to move on and i wonder what he has chosen to move on to. 
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‘If there was no Black Sabbath, I could still possibly be a morning newspaper delivery boy. ‘ – Lars Ulrich

the lost art – part deux

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after yesterday’s post, a few of you asked to see this piece of art that went on a long, disjointed journey as it made its way to my house.  somehow, this whimsical pastel bunny made it all the away across the ocean from poland and then through a maze of american post office locations and crazy systems and insane red tape, all to finally land upon my wall. for that i am happy. 

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“Strange as it may seem, I still hope for the best, even though the best, like an interesting piece of mail, so rarely arrives, and even when it does it can be lost so easily.”  ― Lemony SnicketThe Beatrice Letters

 

the lost art of finding my lost art

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recently, i ordered a painting online from an artist i’ve admired for a while and i really looked forward to finally having a piece of her beautiful work up on my wall. within hours of my order, amelie personally responded with a thank you, told me she lived in poland,  said she’d post it the next day, and that i should plan to receive it within a week’s time. i happily awaited its arrival. this was where things began to take a turn. 

true to her word, within a week, i arrived home and found a ‘you were out when we tried to deliver your package so you missed this chance and now we need to come up with another plan’ note from the post office, stuck to my door. the choices offered on the note were that i could check a box to have my package redelivered and left in my door, or i could pick it up at the post office. i went with the pickup at the post office option. 

the next day, i waited in the long line, made my way to the front, and presented the woman at the counter with my note. after looking in the back, she came out empty-handed and announced, ‘funny, we can’t seem to find it. maybe it never made it through customs.’  i replied that i thought it was odd because it obviously had made it here as it was ‘almost delivered’ the day before.  her response, ‘well, maybe it will get delivered to your house tomorrow or it will turn up back here. if you don’t get it tomorrow, call us or stop back in.’ 

the next day: still no package. i went back in, stood in line, got to the front, gave them my note again, all with the same results –  no package to be found. they called the manager of the branch to the front who she said she would look into it and do her own investigation, as she could not figure out where it could be, told me to give it a few more days. 

in the meantime, amelie emailed me from poland to see if it had arrived safely, and i told her it had been here, but was now lost. she wondered if said if perhaps her english wasn’t good enough because she didn’t understand. i assured her that i had a pretty good command of the english language and that i did not understand either. 

in a few more days: still no package. i went back in and this time, the post office said, ‘hmmm, this has happened to a few other packages here, i think the night guy just likes to clear them out of here and sends them on. i’ll check into that. do you have any insurance on your package? i’ll let you know tomorrow what i find out.’

the next day: ‘oh it’s you again. let me get the postmistress to help you.’ she comes out and this is our conversation:

pm: for some reason it looks like they’ve forwarded your package on. do you have some other address or a forwarding address of some sort?’  

me: ‘no i do not. i have lived in my house for 10 years and have no reason to forward my mail anywhere.’

pm: ‘well, for some reason it’s been forwarded, though we can’t tell where, probably downtown, and because it will get there with no forwarding address, it will be forwarded back here. we’ll call you when it gets here, it should only take a week or so for it to get forwarded back here.’

me: ‘so, are you saying it was forwarded somewhere but you don’t know where or why and because i don’t have a forwarding address it will be forwarded back here and somehow find it’s way back here to you?’

pm: ‘yes.’ 

the next week: i went in, brought my tattered note, and waited in line one more time. upon my arrival at the counter, the postmistress appeared at the counter, retrieved my package from the back, covered in postmarks and stickers, with no further explanation. i went home with my painting, emailed amelie to tell her it was in my hands at last, and assured her that her english was just fine. 

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how the postal workers at the counter appear. everything is under control.

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what is really going on in the back. their system is up and running.

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when it all gets to be too much. where some of the lost mail goes missing.

 

 

 

’tis not the season

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as i teacher, i enjoy spending time in the summer walking outside and have noticed that the great majority of people sharing the streets with me are off-seasonal workers. what an interesting bunch of characters we are. street performers, tax guys, mall santas, elves, reindeer, grinch, children, dogs, fellow teachers, train hoppers, sumos?. these are my people. 

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torn

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I guess when you turn off the main road, you have to be prepared to see some funny houses. – Stephen King

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Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason. – Jerry Seinfeld

 

lucky seven

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 home at last, and walking downtown, i passed one of our most interesting stores.

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the name really speaks for itself.

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The seven deadly sins, also known as the capital vices or cardinal sins, is a classification of vices that has been used since early Christian times to educate and instruct them concerning fallen humanity’s tendency to sin. In the currently recognized version, the sins are usually given as wrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy, and gluttony.

 now –  if they just added in a taco bell all-you-can-eat bar, with super-sized slushy drinks, comfy sofas with cup-holders, remotes and unlimited trashy tv, mirrors, free spa services, and marriage arbitration, i think you could partake in all of the deadly sins under one roof. kind of like a 7 deadly sins strip mall or theme park. one-stop shopping. i can only imagine the ads. 

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There is no sin except stupidity.

Oscar Wilde

Looking back in my rearview mirror to see Australia – objects may appear smaller than they actually are

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What may be the world’s smallest golf course – less than 1 meter square – freemantle

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A friendly creature with a great approach – balingup

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Hard to resist this taste sensation – Margaret river

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The Aussie version of snow, sea foam – bunbury

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Stark beauty – Wellington dam

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Maze where I hooked up with a random family to help me find my way out – yallingup

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Evening walk around the estuary – found my way with the help of a homeless man and 2 teens with nothing better to do

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Found myself in the ancient mangrove

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Found my way out again

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‘Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.’

Charles Schulz