Tag Archives: humor

Apr30

one of my favorite lunch events ever for our kindergarten

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perfect for the discerning tastes of our 3-5 year olds?

Good Day All,

Just a reminder that tomorrow will be our “Chef 2 School” program and we will be featuring “World of Cheeses”.  Once again we will set up in the back hallway behind the small dining room and I will be coming around to release the tables to visit our “World of Cheeses”. 

We are also excited to say that this time we plan on including the Early Childhood Center with a cart that will go from table to table with samples of different cheeses.  

Sincerely,

HJ

 Director of Dining Services

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this is more like it!

Apr26

makin’ it rain!!

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any suggestions for my windfall? 

Hello,

We’re writing to let you know we processed your refund of $0.17 for your Order #1276543987.

This refund is for the following item(s):

    Item: Let’s Explore Diabetes with Owls
    Quantity: 1
   Reason for refund: Pre-order price protection
   

Here’s the breakdown of your refund for this item:

        Item Refund: $0.17

We’ll apply your refund to the following payment method(s):

Visa Credit Card $0.17

We’ve processed a refund for the above order in the amount of $0.17. The refund should appear on your account in 2-3 days if issued to a credit card.
Refunds issued to a bank account typically take 7-10 days to reflect on the account balance.

Have questions about our refund policy?
Visit our Help section for more information:

http://www.amazon.com/refunds

We look forward to seeing you again soon.

Sincerely,

Amazon.com
We’re Building Earth’s Most Customer-Centric Company

Apr24

c’mon in for a ”fin ‘n hoof”

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a stunning interpretation of an old favorite.

 

Apr20

why i’m still single #6

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and the hit parade of online dating profile names sent my way continue to roll on in. this month’s top picks:

shagadelica

butthead

ripperjack

hotbonerup

snotdoc

runwildnude

Apr14

get up off your nia-s!

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What is Nia?

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Nia is a sensory-based movement practice that draws from martial arts, dance arts and healing arts. It empowers people of all shapes and sizes by connecting the body, mind, emotions and spirit. Classes are taken barefoot to soul-stirring music in more than 45 countries.  

talked my daughter into taking this class with me. assured her it would be great, low-key, fun, we would just blend in, (i have a history of having stamina, enthusiasm and strength, though not a lick of coordination, and she detests being the center of attention), and i stressed that it would be a relaxing, bonding experience for us, all while getting in great shape. 

the class started out slow, with a challenging set of movements and stretches and new-agey music, then i heard someone talking about the ‘good auras’ they were seeing and chakras all around, and it was on!  there were all sorts of interpretive dance moves and exercises happening – people twirling, gliding, karate-chopping, leaping. my daughter glanced over at me, we both were smiling, though she had the look of ‘really, what next, are you kidding?’ on her face. i believe i may have seen an eye-roll as well. 

at this point, i’m going to go out on a limb and guess that it all took a final bad turn for her when our trainer announced that we would ‘each act out our day with a dance,’ and she had chosen my daughter to go first and to solo. i felt the glare, a bit more intense than kryptonite, coming towards me, and i did my best to avoid any eye-contact. soon after, she blurted out, ‘how am i supposed to do this?! i have had a hell on earth day, i’m in the construction business – dealing with historical commissions, zoning boards, sub-contractors, neighborhood councils, city council, requests for bribes, and an incompetent supplier!?’ 

she did a little twirl, the trainer and the rest of the class clapped for her, and that was the last move of our nia experience together. i believe some people’s chakras may have been thrown off a bit. 

Apr11

hash-ku

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annual bash fest 

dogs, kids, preps, bikers, hippies

mixed danced for freedom

Apr7

when worlds collide

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Q: what do you get when you mix? 

– hometeam ncaa final four win 

– dance for mother earth american indian pow wow

– festifools parade

– hash hash

– foolmoon luminary festival

– one man anti-war protest

A: the perfect storm = just another weekend here in ann arbor.

 

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Apr5

say ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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this game was in the silent auction at school and i was not surprised at all that no one bid on it.  as it was a leftover, it was very generously offered it to me on behalf of my kindergarten classroom. i happily accepted and looked forward to sharing it with the kinders.  

then i put my glasses on. 

one in-focus look at this box and i was immediately horrified. between the grinning ‘dentist’ holding the gigantic tooth in massive pliers, all of the other monster-sized tools laying in wait, and the ‘patient/victim’ with missing teeth and a horrified look on his face, i was beside myself. aside from my own dental fear, i imagined that most children seeing the cover would develop a phobia even if they did not have one before. 

my free-spirited friend offered to take it home to try on her children, (as well as one of her unsuspecting neighbor kids), to gauge their reaction. this experiment was to serve as an ad hoc litmus test to see how young children might react to it. 

upon laying eyes on the game, ‘pearly whites,’ the 3 children in our focus group – sophie, clare, and natalie, instantly loved it and had absolutely no fear of it whatsoever.  as a matter of fact, they giggled with delight as they roved around the gaping mouth, moved ahead to the canines, climbed up the bridge of dental floss, slid down mouthwash falls, and moved back 2 spaces as ‘punishment’ for having a cavity. their collective review was, “it was really fun and we want to play again!”

what? perhaps it is just me?

————————————

some tortures are physical

and some are mental

but the one that is both

is dental. 

-ogden nash

Mar31

rise up! i am now officially afraid of easter.

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while looking for holiday lesson ideas to share with my kinder class, i stumbled upon this one from a home-schooling page online. i must say i found it terrifying.

‘jesus in the tomb – cooking lesson’

‘jesus said he would rise from the dead in 3 days. he rose in 3 days.’

supplies needed: crescent rolls, marshmallows, cinnamon, margarine

directions: take one marshmallow and dip it in margarine. roll it in cinnamon. have the children place it inside of the center of the triangle of dough. have them fold the dough around the marshmallow so that the marshmallow is ‘buried’ in its tomb. bake according to the crescent roll package directions. have the children take the role of the guards at jesus’ tomb. have them stand guard at the oven. take the rolls out of the tomb (oven) and let the cool. the marshmallows will be gone, just like jesus’ body was gone!

other suggested lessons:

creative writing – have the children pretend to be reporters interviewing pontius pilate. ask him things like: why did you make your decision? were you pressured into it? have the children use their imagination to answer the questions.

art/literacy lesson – have them lay on large paper, trace them, and write across their chest – ‘jesus lives in me.’ 

food lesson – make easter sandwiches, crust symbolizes god, white is jesus, fillings are holy spirit. choose your fillings, can use red fillings to symbolize blood, share them, give thanks and enjoy!

after reviewing all of this, i opted to color eggs, hide them, show scary easter bunny pics, and eat a lot of chocolate.  

Mar29

dying on the blue cross

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once again, i’ve stumbled into a bureaucratic rabbit hole:

in short, i filled out a ‘healthy incentives’ survey in order to qualify for the most cost effective program offered by my health insurance provider.  somehow it all went wrong at *step 1.

  1. *i filled out the survey 
  2. felt happy that i had completed a horribly tedious piece of paperwork and based upon the results, would easily qualify for the program
  3. got a letter from blue cross
  4. letter said they never received my survey and i was now automatically enrolled in the higher cost plan
  5. i called them (where things got worse)
  6. music i was subjected to while on hold during the experience: smooth jazz, easy listening, elevator cover music
  7. departments i spoke with/was on hold with/opted into with my keyboard pounding : customer service, non-compliance, nursing, engagement center, health resource coordination center
  8. lots of 800 and 888 numbers and extensions involved
  9. conversations along the way: 

  ‘ who gave you this number?’

‘the letter you sent me listed it as the one to call.’

‘who told you to call us?’

‘you did.’

‘can we call you back?’

‘no.’

‘our department doesn’t handle this kind of thing.’

‘i really have no idea who deals with this.’

10. after lots of transferring action, holds, disconnects, etc. – more conversation:

‘i can see the form you filled out online, and it does look like you qualified for the healthy incentives option, but you never pushed the button at the end to get your official score.’

‘so, you do see that i’ve filled it out?’

‘yes.’

‘and it shows i am healthy and do actually qualify?’

‘yes.’

‘but because i didn’t push the button it doesn’t count?’

‘yes.’

‘yes, it counts?’

‘no. yes, it does not count.’

‘what can i do about it?’

‘well it is after the deadline now.’

‘what can i do about it?’

‘i guess file a complaint.’

‘will i be paying the higher rate in the meantime?’

and – after 1 hour and 47 minutes, my favorite and final response:

‘i would definitely not be able to answer that.’

(i believe that if i was to fill out the survey again after this, i may not qualify as ‘healthy’ due to a rise in my blood pressure and an elevated heart rate. though of course this is just a guess, because there is definitely no one who would be able to answer that.)