Category Archives: humor

net worth.

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no one is happy when their internet goes out

but i am always amused

by the list

of my neighbors’ router names

that scroll  by

when trying

to get mine up and running again.

last night’s winners were:

billclinternet

thelanisterssendtheirregards

routerihardlyknewher

some people are so clever

my goal was

to create a name i would remember

 now if feel that i’m letting them all down a bit.

not giving back.

 

‘the internet is a great way to get on the net.’

-bob dole, former republican senator and presidential candidate

 

 

 

 

image credit: google images

 

lock ‘er up and throw away the key.

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not me , but exactly like me holding my keys in my hands just before i helped them to go missing
(and this baby is smart to just be focusing on one thing at a time)
and yet another
multi-task seemed like a good idea mishap unfolds
carrying trash, two sets of keys, donation bag, library book, coffee cup, dvd, lists,
and an odd assortment of things
to drop off, return, or deal with on my other random errands
determined to make one trip
i did get out the door
things balanced, hanging from wrists and various fingers
dropped trash bag in the dumpster first
 unlocked my car using my left pinky
threw everything in the backseat
drove off and finished all of my tasks
happy to be getting rid of things i no longer needed
bringing in groceries and new things i didn’t know that i needed
again, everything balanced
determined to get back in my door in one trip
tiptoed through the garden shortcut
made it in with all intact
put everything away and went to get the mail
sadly
my second set of keys was nowhere to be found
which included my mailbox key
searched and went through everything
retraced my steps
(as i learned to do from bert and ernie on sesame street)
looked in all of the hidden under-seat and in-between places in my car
figured keys would pop up somewhere in the next day or so
but alas, it was not to be
by process of elimination of all other possibilities
came to the conclusion
they must have fallen into the trash bag
that i threw away in the dumpster
 unretrievable
so i began the process of replacing them
my second car key was on there
i’d just listed my car for sale, with two keys
too expensive to replace
changed that detail in my ad
my mailbox only opens by key
can only be replaced by the post office
went to two post offices
each handled a part of it
had to pay $45 and have one of their people
come out, re-key it, and create a new key
my mail carrier who is great
left a massive pile of mail from the week
hidden on my front porch for me
why did i even have a massive pile of. mail?
key fixer guy came the next day
gave me three keys
need to get the padlock on my storage unit
cut off and replaced
mail restored, ad changed, buy padlock
next up
one job, focused, on task, slowly
figuring out
if there were any other important keys on that ring.
‘some people think my father was a spy, because of working for that government agency in vietnam,
but he can’t find his car keys, much less keep a national secret.’
*lauren graham, american actress
besides having startle response, and technology being my nemesis, another reason i opted not to be a spy.

*Lauren’s father, Lawrence Graham, was a candy industry lobbyist, president of the National Confectioners Association and worked for the United States Agency for International Development in Vietnam. (seems like a pretty good spy cover to me)

photo credit of smart baby with keys: google images

cheers to a cooler september.

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stumbled upon this old ad

for what may have seemed the perfect solution 

to the age-old dilemma: 

what to choose when caught between the seasons?

hot soup or cold drink?

why not just combine them?

‘september showed up right on schedule, and lasted a whole month.’

-jenny wingfield, author

 

 

image credit: campbell’s soup company, vintage ad, 1962

 

all the nothing.

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(not me, but similar to me yesterday, surrendering to life)

my plan was to do a lot of nothing

but the universe wasn’t having it

with a surprise leak in my house

and a

‘microwave food explosion incident’

it wasn’t meant to be

but

onward

today is another day

 so far, so good

as most of the world is not yet awake.

“there’s never enough time to do all the nothing you want.”

*bill waterson

 

*William Boyd Watterson II is an American cartoonist who authored the comic strip Calvin and Hobbes. The strip was syndicated from 1985 to 1995. Watterson concluded Calvin and Hobbes with a short statement to newspaper editors and his readers that he felt he had achieved all he could in the medium.

 

image credit: cbs news

climbing out of the rabbit hole.

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follow-up and resolution to yesterday’s post-

after a long spiral down the rabbit hole

in a journey to procure

a throw pillow and a rug

purely on a whim

that i didn’t really need

i went to sleep.

when i woke to a new day

i headed over to pick up my goods

determined to make it work

when i arrived at the store

 shared why i was there

we, as a group

the only three employees and i

discovered that:

my pillow order had been cancelled and refunded

as they were never able to locate it in the store

next up:

they seemed genuinely stumped

when i showed them

the ‘your rug is ready for pickup’  e-mail

sent to me by their company

they each asked my name

looked at my confirmation

typed the order number in their computers

muttered some stuff

looked at each other quizically

and off they all went on the hunt

each in a different direction

when they returned

it was determined that

no one could find it

they discussed it again

one finally looked up and said-

‘oh, i remember finding it last night and putting in the pickup area!’

who knew?

i was not going to leave that store without my rug

so i actively began helping them find it

(do they only carry one of each item?)

they were all looking for a rolled up rug

but i found it folded on shelf instead

in –

‘the pickup area!’

so lucky i am a hobby detective

(even though i have a strong startle response)

with my refund for the pillow they never found

and the discount i battled with ai online to get

my rug ended up extremely well priced

making it even more of a treasure

 last night

i laid on my new rug

without a new festive throw pillow nearby

proud of my crack detective work

exhausted and amused by the crazy process

tomorrow –

who knows what will happen

when i go to the post office and the movies?!!

 

“the only way out of a hole is to climb out.”

-cherly strayed, american author, wild

 

 

 

 

 

image credit: psyschology today

land shark.

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.

land shark!

here i thought they were only legends

saw them knocking on doors

way back in the day on saturday night live

have never crossed paths with one

until now

hopefully just passing through.

‘there’s a cardinal rule that you don’t talk about sharks. if you don’t see it, it’s not there.’

-mark warkentin, all-american open-water swimmer/coach

 

 

 

saturday. night live, 1975, nbc

when you can’t find your hundred or so cars.

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rolling sculpture car show 
walked downtown to have lunch with my daughter and granddaughter
noticing a few cool cars
were slowly coming into town and parking on main street
interesting to see the mix
some new, some old, some not sure what they were
we guessed that more cars would arrive later for the show
imagine my surprise as i walked a different route home
just one street over
to see cars lined up as far as  the eye could see on both sides
ah, there they are
right behind us
 nothing gets by me
just another reason
why i chose to be a teacher
rather than a professional witness, detective, or spy.
‘i know a lot about cars, man. i can look at any car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.’
-mitch hedberg

when opportunity does not knock.

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not my house or cats, but i get them.

when you are having

a private informal window of opportunity urgent under the radar ad hoc committee meeting

there is a quorum 

someone opens the closed door and peers in

odds are incredibly high

this is the same person

who is the subject of the meeting. 

“you can’t knock on opportunity’s door and not be ready. “

-bruno mars

 

 

 

image credit: google images

abstract mess.

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 getting ready in the morning

i made a quick decision

to throw one light piece of laundry

down the stairs

rather than carry the extra three ounces

down seven stairs to my washing machine

tucked away in a little closet

such a brilliantly lazy choice

i instantly realized my mistake

when it caught on a piece of art

hanging along the stairway

ripping it off the wall

sending it reeling

into another wall

creating a divot

the art tile on the wood

cracking in two

the nail lost deep in the carpeting

went down the seven stairs

now easy

with three ounces less

than i would have had to carry

stepping over it all

walked into my kitchen

flipping on the light

 which answered me with a sudden ‘pop!’

a lightbulb had chosen that moment to blow out

i took in the spectacle of it all

sat down with a cup of coffee, a piece of chocolate, and a bit of music

another day had begun.

‘i think you have to let go of this idea that you can be precious about everything,

and let it be the abstract mess that it is.’

-ryan reynolds

sunny spirit.

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i love their sense of humor about this

despite the entire town

being under construction

enduring random outages

having traffic-related ‘disturbances’

their coffee place is open

 still standing

 it’s up to you

to creatively find your way there

the coffee is damn good and worth the odyssey.

“humor is the great thing, the saving thing after all. the minute it crops up, all our hardnesses yield,

all our irritations, and resentments flit away, and a sunny spirit takes their place.”

-mark twain

 

 

 

image credit: roos roast coffee