Tag Archives: humor

holy toledo batman!!!

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  life experiences, good, bad, and otherwise, during a whirlwind weekend, helping my  niece find a house to rent for her upcoming grad school stint in toledo, ohio.

  • even though it is located less than 1 hour away, it is in another state and i know nothing about the city except: it has an amazing minor league baseball team – the mud hens, has a great zoo, is known as ‘glass city’ for it’s artists, and is different than toledo, spain. 
  • even though it is pretty much a straight shot down the highway from where i live, i have an incredibly horrendous sense of direction, leading us to experience many other places along the way. niece casually asks if i have gps on my phone. 

–  ‘siri’ on my phone gets testy, and says, ‘i don’t know what you are asking, do you want me to look that up for you?’, and know we will have to sweet-talk her from here on out. 

–  our day begins in toledo with a stop at a local breakfast spot to meet a kind friend to give us neighborhood advice, and we get to choose between such selections as: ‘uncle moose’s manhandler’ and a ‘bounty of the sea’ breakfast crepe,  and you just know it is going to be a wonderful day. 

  • when the first house we look at and a woman who claims to be a local ‘realtor’ does the following: dresses as a burnt out drag queen, fishes into her ample cleavage to pull her purple cell phone out of her bra to take a call, says she ‘is not allowed’ to tell us how the neighborhood is, has to stay back to ‘reset the alarm’, and does not have any business cards, it is going to be a special day.

– when my niece, being from sweet, small towns in arizona begins to understand that we are in a city, and can base our ‘good and bad neighborhoods’ decision on how many people are out on the streets and not working, or perhaps making deals on the street, it will be a life-lesson kind of day.

  • when we decide to do ‘drive-bys’ of the many other potential homes, to eliminate those  not close to school or safe in any way, we eliminate the majority of them and stop for a break at a local coney spot. 
  • when the family-run coney spot waitress snaps and yells out, ‘i am not delivering any more food, i have to ring up at the register, he can damn well do it himself!,’ and yells at my niece to plug my phone in for a recharge under the table and we unplug their neon ‘open’ sign, it is the lunch experience of a lifetime. 
  • after the lunch experience we have 4 more places to look at, have a graduation party to attend back at home, and my car, ‘the red devil’ begins to get hot, it is a moment of truth. 
  • we find a random auto shop to check the red devil before she blows and the highlight of the day and our adventure continues. 
  • we pull into Toledo Motor Sports at 4154 Monroe Street, and the owner, ali, takes a look under the hood. he and his mechanic determine it will need some new heating and cooling thingamajigs. we are a captive audience, completely at their mercy at this point, and i can certainly appreciate their honesty and fair pricing. of course one part is located in a hard to get to, bizarre place in the car. the time estimate is 2 hours. 
  • as time winds on, we reschedule the rest of our appointments for the next day, visit with another customer, jump in and offer her my unsolicited auto repair advice, swap stories and 6 degrees of separation family connections, tell jokes, recharge my phone again, use their computer to look up addresses, laugh a lot, get neighborhood advice, share pictures, and we continue on that way all afternoon, as we find out more bad news about the car. even though we are treated like important business guests at an out of town marriott, you know it is going to be a long day.  4 hours later, after the very generous owner walks to a gas station to buy us water and a bag of junk food to sustain us, (we must appear quite sweaty and pathetic at this point), the red devil is ready to go back on the road again. we have found the best repair shop in the city and i would recommend them to anyone. 
  • we drive back and make it to the grad party and sleep for 12 hours.
  • day 2 and back to toledo – we meet incredible landlords, also honest and fair and generous. it is as if we have landed in a whole new housing market. 

– we see a random sign for a house on a pretty street and are met there by miss lillian, an 86 year old firecracker, dressed in flowered pants and full of life. this house is a jewel on a beautiful street, safe and calm and a bike ride to school. we do a 30 second drive by tour of the campus and it is lovely and the sun is shining.after we take care of 657 other details, like where are we going to get the money, we make a deal and head back to a surprise party that i’ve planned but will now be very late for. it has been a weekend filled many special moments. 

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 where we spent our lovely spring afternoon in toledo, ohio – even the owner is laughing

one of my favorite lunch events ever for our kindergarten

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perfect for the discerning tastes of our 3-5 year olds?

Good Day All,

Just a reminder that tomorrow will be our “Chef 2 School” program and we will be featuring “World of Cheeses”.  Once again we will set up in the back hallway behind the small dining room and I will be coming around to release the tables to visit our “World of Cheeses”. 

We are also excited to say that this time we plan on including the Early Childhood Center with a cart that will go from table to table with samples of different cheeses.  

Sincerely,

HJ

 Director of Dining Services

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this is more like it!

makin’ it rain!!

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any suggestions for my windfall? 

Hello,

We’re writing to let you know we processed your refund of $0.17 for your Order #1276543987.

This refund is for the following item(s):

    Item: Let’s Explore Diabetes with Owls
    Quantity: 1
   Reason for refund: Pre-order price protection
   

Here’s the breakdown of your refund for this item:

        Item Refund: $0.17

We’ll apply your refund to the following payment method(s):

Visa Credit Card $0.17

We’ve processed a refund for the above order in the amount of $0.17. The refund should appear on your account in 2-3 days if issued to a credit card.
Refunds issued to a bank account typically take 7-10 days to reflect on the account balance.

Have questions about our refund policy?
Visit our Help section for more information:

http://www.amazon.com/refunds

We look forward to seeing you again soon.

Sincerely,

Amazon.com
We’re Building Earth’s Most Customer-Centric Company

c’mon in for a ”fin ‘n hoof”

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a stunning interpretation of an old favorite.

 

why i’m still single #6

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and the hit parade of online dating profile names sent my way continue to roll on in. this month’s top picks:

shagadelica

butthead

ripperjack

hotbonerup

snotdoc

runwildnude

get up off your nia-s!

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What is Nia?

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Nia is a sensory-based movement practice that draws from martial arts, dance arts and healing arts. It empowers people of all shapes and sizes by connecting the body, mind, emotions and spirit. Classes are taken barefoot to soul-stirring music in more than 45 countries.  

talked my daughter into taking this class with me. assured her it would be great, low-key, fun, we would just blend in, (i have a history of having stamina, enthusiasm and strength, though not a lick of coordination, and she detests being the center of attention), and i stressed that it would be a relaxing, bonding experience for us, all while getting in great shape. 

the class started out slow, with a challenging set of movements and stretches and new-agey music, then i heard someone talking about the ‘good auras’ they were seeing and chakras all around, and it was on!  there were all sorts of interpretive dance moves and exercises happening – people twirling, gliding, karate-chopping, leaping. my daughter glanced over at me, we both were smiling, though she had the look of ‘really, what next, are you kidding?’ on her face. i believe i may have seen an eye-roll as well. 

at this point, i’m going to go out on a limb and guess that it all took a final bad turn for her when our trainer announced that we would ‘each act out our day with a dance,’ and she had chosen my daughter to go first and to solo. i felt the glare, a bit more intense than kryptonite, coming towards me, and i did my best to avoid any eye-contact. soon after, she blurted out, ‘how am i supposed to do this?! i have had a hell on earth day, i’m in the construction business – dealing with historical commissions, zoning boards, sub-contractors, neighborhood councils, city council, requests for bribes, and an incompetent supplier!?’ 

she did a little twirl, the trainer and the rest of the class clapped for her, and that was the last move of our nia experience together. i believe some people’s chakras may have been thrown off a bit. 

hash-ku

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annual bash fest 

dogs, kids, preps, bikers, hippies

mixed danced for freedom

when worlds collide

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Q: what do you get when you mix? 

– hometeam ncaa final four win 

– dance for mother earth american indian pow wow

– festifools parade

– hash hash

– foolmoon luminary festival

– one man anti-war protest

A: the perfect storm = just another weekend here in ann arbor.

 

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say ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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this game was in the silent auction at school and i was not surprised at all that no one bid on it.  as it was a leftover, it was very generously offered it to me on behalf of my kindergarten classroom. i happily accepted and looked forward to sharing it with the kinders.  

then i put my glasses on

one in-focus look at this box and i was immediately horrified. between the grinning ‘dentist’ holding the gigantic tooth in massive pliers, all of the other monster-sized tools laying in wait, and the ‘patient/victim’ with missing teeth and a horrified look on his face, i was beside myself. aside from my own dental fear, i imagined that most children seeing the cover would develop a phobia even if they did not have one before. 

my free-spirited friend offered to take it home to try on her children, (as well as one of her unsuspecting neighbor kids), to gauge their reaction. this experiment was to serve as an ad hoc litmus test to see how young children might react to it. 

upon laying eyes on the game, ‘pearly whites,’ the 3 children in our focus group – sophie, clare, and natalie, instantly loved it and had absolutely no fear of it whatsoever.  as a matter of fact, they giggled with delight as they roved around the gaping mouth, moved ahead to the canines, climbed up the bridge of dental floss, slid down mouthwash falls, and moved back 2 spaces as ‘punishment’ for having a cavity. their collective review was, “it was really fun and we want to play again!”

what? perhaps it is just me?

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some tortures are physical

and some are mental

but the one that is both

is dental. 

-ogden nash

rise up! i am now officially afraid of easter.

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while looking for holiday lesson ideas to share with my kinder class, i stumbled upon this one from a home-schooling page online. i must say i found it terrifying.

‘jesus in the tomb – cooking lesson’

‘jesus said he would rise from the dead in 3 days. he rose in 3 days.’

supplies needed: crescent rolls, marshmallows, cinnamon, margarine

directions: take one marshmallow and dip it in margarine. roll it in cinnamon. have the children place it inside of the center of the triangle of dough. have them fold the dough around the marshmallow so that the marshmallow is ‘buried’ in its tomb. bake according to the crescent roll package directions. have the children take the role of the guards at jesus’ tomb. have them stand guard at the oven. take the rolls out of the tomb (oven) and let the cool. the marshmallows will be gone, just like jesus’ body was gone!

other suggested lessons:

creative writing – have the children pretend to be reporters interviewing pontius pilate. ask him things like: why did you make your decision? were you pressured into it? have the children use their imagination to answer the questions.

art/literacy lesson – have them lay on large paper, trace them, and write across their chest – ‘jesus lives in me.’ 

food lesson – make easter sandwiches, crust symbolizes god, white is jesus, fillings are holy spirit. choose your fillings, can use red fillings to symbolize blood, share them, give thanks and enjoy!

after reviewing all of this, i opted to color eggs, hide them, show scary easter bunny pics, and eat a lot of chocolate.