‘Nature has no mercy at all. Nature says, I’m going to snow.
If you have on a bikini and no snowshoes,that’s tough. I am going to snow anyway.’ – Maya Angelou
how some of us are getting around this week in ann arbor
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image credit: susannah b.
Mar1
Tag Archives: humor
Feb24
making the turn
headed out to the gym yesterday to workout and watch the big game. the university of michigan wolverines were playing basketball against our instate rivals, the michigan state spartans. i figured i’d serve myself up a little pleasure with my pain.
as i got closer to the gym, i noticed that it was surrounded by an astounding number of opposing choices: taco bell, burger king, cottage inn pizza, noodles, mcdonalds, gourmet garden chinese, castle liquor store, subway, zingerman’s roadhouse. i could almost imagine my chalupa and mexican pizza and a cold beer.
or, there was –
the gym.
it would have been so easy to accidentally turn into one of those other driveways, and then the next hour would be spent indulging in food and drink heaven instead of in gym hell.
i made the turn.
and when i found myself in the gym, i was not disappointed, and knew i had made the right choice. there were father/sons, couples, singletons, and people of every shape and size and color imaginable. what we all had in common, was the turn we made to get there.
the familiar maize and blue home team shirts were everywhere, and people cheered while on the elliptical, treadmill, with weights, and bars, and balls, and machines. it was a great first half. and while i can’t say where everyone went for the second half, the wolverines played a magnificent game, and we won in the end. go blue! sometimes, it’s just a matter of choosing the right driveway. and if i happen to turn into the taco bell driveway next time, so be it.
One might as well try to ride two horses moving in different directions,
as to try to maintain in equal force two opposing or contradictory sets of desires.
Robert Collier
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image credits: michigan daily, oldtowneast.com, sweethorseranch.com
Feb22
when life gives you a pound or so of raw talent, just make meatloaf.
what are the odds? i have crossed paths with meatloaf (the singer, not the food), not once, but twice in my life. this is a brush with fame i never anticipated. and while i can appreciate his theatrical performance style, his passion, and unique voice, i was never musically smitten enough to ever really aspire to come in face-to-face contact with him. or bikini-to-speedo contact with him, for that matter, but fate tiptoed in and had other plans.
our first meeting happened back in the day when i was a cocktail waitress/student. meatloaf stopped by to immortalize his visit to our place by putting his hands into a wet cement block on our sidewalk.
not meatloaf putting his hands in wet cement
what i remember most about this night, was not the hand printing, but the imprint left on me when he grabbed a half-eaten sandwich off of a customer’s plate, took a huge bite out of it, and put it back. that, and i remember he was sweating. a lot.
not meatloaf sweating or the sandwich he took a huge bite of
our second meeting happened when i was in florida and walking down the beach. i was sipping on a tall, cool cocktail, enjoying the slow-setting sun, reflecting on another relaxing vacation day, when who should come walking down the beach, but my old friend meatloaf. and this time he was wearing a speedo, and it was not his best look. and he had a colorful, fruity drink in his hand, and he was still sweating, and his skin was really red, but he was smiling, and he kept on smiling as we passed each other. and we were both happy.
not meatloaf in a speedo on the beach
and i took a big sip of my cocktail with double limes, and thought to myself, how lucky. some things were meant to be, you just have to take what the universe offers up and toast to it. so, here’s to you, meatloaf on the beach.
meatloaf
There’s no explanation for success. Success just comes out of life. – Meat Loaf
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image credits: fabulousfoods.com,tumblr.com, primantibrothers.com, latimes.com,theguardian.com
Feb19
even superheroes need their grandmothers
my daughter posted this pic of grand baby j, looking out of the mail slot for me,
calling out, ‘grandma, grandma?’
Once the bear’s hug has got you, it is apt to be for keeps. – Harold MacMillan
Feb18
waking and wondering in a winter wonderland
last night i had a dream about my friend who commandeered an old, rusty, garbage truck and put a huge plow on the front. he was determined to make it to my cottage to clear the driveway, and would do whatever it took to get here, mad max armageddon style. many thanks for your loyalty, my friend, and perhaps winter has worn out it’s welcome, even in my dreams.
Winter lingered so long in the lap of Spring that it occasioned a great deal of talk. – Bill Nye
Feb17
waiting patiently with good company
i ran into this cheerful couple while waiting my turn in an insurance office. they seemed well-matched and quite happy. i think i overheard one of them say to the other: ‘You got a past, I do too. We’re perfect for each other.’
We have lasted this long close together, so we must have something going for each other.
Feb16
the three heirs
once upon a time, there was a mama bear named beth who had 3 little girl bears. each one was very different, yet for some reason mama bear had thought it was a good idea, (at the time), to give each one a name that began with the letter,’h.’ over time, each had learned just to answer to any name that began with the letter ‘h’ because the odds were that mama bear usually was calling them by the wrong name. especially when she was tired or was excited or was laughing or was a bit worked up about something.
well, the little bears grew up and each went to their own cave, but there were some special moments when they all were all back together, in the same place at the same time. it was during one of those times, that mama bear had another good idea, and she gave two of the little bears a certificate to go to a local spa as a gift for their birthdays, which were close together. it had been a long season, and they were tired and needed some pampering. the third little bear stayed with mama and played games and had coffee and chatted about how much fun the other two must be having and how relaxed they would be after their special day.
when the two little bears got home, and came through the door, they had sad and disappointed looks on their faces, and one was even hobbling a bit. and they shared their story of what happened at the spa that day. it seems the spa had gotten them mixed up, as both of their names began with ‘h,’ and they had arrived together.
one had wanted a deep tissue sports massage, and spent a long time waiting for the massage to ‘really begin.’ she said when she heard the enya music, and smelled lavender and her masseuse was whispering, she had a feeling it was not going to be the experience she had expected. when she was finished, she walked out and came around the corner, only to run into her little bear sister who had tears in her eyes, and was walking very gingerly. she had been given the hardcore sports massage and had moaned and groaned throughout the treatment, as she was pummeled and twisted and turned, and she was waiting for the gentle massage to begin, and her whole body was now aching and she was in pain.
when they told mama and the third little bear the whole story, the listeners really did try to be sympathetic, they really, really did, but they could not stop laughing about the mixup. this did not make the two little spa bears feel any better. the ones who stayed home realized they had been the ones to have the relaxing day, not the ones who went out to seek comfort. but they were smart, and thought it might not be a good idea to bring it up right then.
when everyone calmed down, and when it had been quiet for a bit, they all sat down (carefully), and mama bear made everyone some comfort food, and gave each bear a healthy glass of red wine, and then all of the ‘h’s’, (who knows which went first?), took turns retelling their version of the story. and then there was laughter in the house once more, along some painful wincing going on.
The whole campaign was a tragic case of mistaken identity. – George McGovern
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image credits: art.com, http://www.alisal.com/spa.html
Feb14
my valentine’s day dream date
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image credit: pick up and play
Feb2
Too clever is dumb. – Ogden Nash
i was in arizona, visiting my sister and her family, and we crossed the border to go bargain shopping at a market in mexico. we saw lots and lots of wonderful things for sale, but there was one item i simply could not resist. i have always been a huge fan of pinatas, and of all of the celebrations and craziness that go with them, and i saw one that topped all the others. it was a giant. life-sized, santa claus piñata. i knew right away it had to be mine. and, in the spirit of being in the open-air market, i knew i would drive a hard bargain for st. nick.
soon after, there were 5 seconds of tough negotiations that went something like this,
‘how much for that santa?’
’10 dollars and 25 cents.’
‘how about 10 dollars?
‘okay.’
i knew i had been so clever, and had gotten the bargain of a lifetime. i was so happy, and santa and i kind of walked off with a newfound swagger, as i talked about how clever i had been, how the seller didn’t know how much this gem was worth, and how clever i really was.
we drove to the airport and i checked in, proud to be carrying my new friend santa, ready to show him how we like to celebrate the winter holidays in michigan. we got lots of odd looks, smiles and questioning faces, but no matter. it was so clever, that we had ended up together, and for such a bargain price. it was at the ticket counter, however, that my ‘so clever’ bubble was quickly popped, i was told the following: ‘he’s too big to stow above, you’ll have to buy him his own seat.’ what, my $10.00 clever bargain santa would now cost me hundreds to get home??
and soon after, yet another round of intense negotiations took place:
‘okay, what are my other options?’
‘there is only one.’
‘okay.’
we found a compromise. santa could fly with the luggage in the cargo section of the plane, and i had to be willing to accept that he may not look the same upon arrival. we parted ways – him on a conveyer belt, and i walked down a long hallway. i imagined all sorts of terrible things happening to him without his clever mama watching over him, but he would have been an expensive companion to have on board.
when i landed i saw him coming around the luggage carousel, feet first, and with a toe tag on. i thought about how he looked like he was in a morgue, and i knew it had been a very rough flight for him. i picked him up, stood him upright, and as we walked away, he was not quite as jolly, and i, not quite as clever. it had been a good run of clever for both of us though, and how quickly it was over.
The desire to seem clever often keeps us from being so. – Francois de La Rochefoucauld
Feb1
Nature always wears the colors of the spirit. – Ralph Waldo Emerson
made it downtown to the hair appointment. saw people out with skis, babies, guitars, coffees, dogs, eating under awnings outside, smiling, calm, and happy, and chatting, and skittering along through all of the weather. what’s more snow and freezing rain when you’ve already had 40 inches or so this month? life goes on. and now i like to imagine that my hair will look stunning as i listen to my’ extreme winter rock mix ‘on my iPod, and shovel my driveway, yet again. we are a hearty lot.
The poetry of the earth is never dead.
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image credit: jahna vashti
I didn't have my glasses on.... 