genetics explained with gummy bears.
—
“i have all these great genes, but they’re recessive. that’s the problem here.”
-Bill Watterson, The Complete Calvin and Hobbes
—
image credit: Rogue NASA
Apr2
Category Archives: humor
Mar2
say my name.
i recently made a new recipe
and
finally used my worcestershire sauce!
like finding an old friend
nothing had really changed
still can’t pronounce your name
still in that familiar bottle
how nice to bump into you
so long until i see you again
whenever that might be.
—
“i’m pretty sure 2020’s safe word was
worcestershire sauce
and we couldn’t say it right.”
-T-laine
Feb10
*happy lmtwgrblkufgdw.
so happy to be celebrating
*Love Makes the World Go Round;
But, Laughter Keeps Us From Getting Dizzy Week: 8-14
i feel lucky to have a job that keeps me laughing.
who else gets to say/respond to such great things at work?
–
“you need to have pants on.”
“try not to touch every person in the room”
“i know you washed your hands this morning, but it is afternoon now.”
“fish don’t really like to be hugged.”
“try to bend your legs to sit on the sled, that is called making them stiff and that is different, try to bend…..”
“did you call me grandpa?”
“it’s important to have both shoes.”
“before we start we all have to promise not to cry if we don’t get to the candy castle first.”
“behind you is that way.”
“why did she call you beth?”
“if you put that in your nose, it might not come out.”
“your snowpants are backwards, let’s see if i can help you fix that.”
“you want to be called something new?”
“i’m pretty sure these are your boots because your parents put them in your bag and they have your name on them.”
“your mom is having a baby but you’re not supposed to tell anyone yet?”
“i’m not sure that ranch dressing is good to drink.”
—
each day is the best day ever.
never a day goes by without a laugh or ten.
—
image credit: puffin puff pastry, google images
Feb8
most obvious.
should we swim or play ice hockey today?
luckily this sign helps to make the decision easier.
—
“i try not to go the obvious route all the time,
but sometimes the most obvious is actually the best.”
-al yankovich
—
image credit: jim grampie, at gallup park, ann arbor
Nov16
mixed message.
fashion fad: mittens are the new shoes.
—
“organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it is not all mixed up.”
-a.a. milne
Sep24
wrong crowd.
somebody didn’t listen to their mother
and
‘got in with the wrong crowd.’
—
“it’s a dangerous business, frodo, going out your door.
you step onto the road,
and if you don’t keep your feet,
there’s not knowing where you might be swept off to.”
j.r.r. tolkien, The Lord of the Rings–
Sep23
tangled.
all went well on my annual visit to the doctor
except
for a bit of a ‘gown snafu’
(this picture does not even begin to do it justice)
when i went to put it on
i couldn’t tell
which side
was supposed to be inside or outside
there were pockets both inside and outside
snaps all over the place
numerous ties of various sizes and locations
parts of the fabric were tucked into each other
no matter how i configured it
it just didn’t seem designed
for any sort of human form
knowing that i was under a time crunch
i quickly tried a few different scenarios
the multitude of mini-snaps
were designed for the hands of fairy
ties were in illogical places
i somehow had to craft my own sleeves
feeling as though
i was in a speed design contest
or playing a party game
i finally just settled on my final look
kind of wrapping the whole thing around me
covering things
snapping things
tying things
when my doc came in she started laughing
saying
“you are sleeveless on one side
the front is in back
things are tied up all over”
she was impressed by my creativity
when i asked about the gown
she smiled and said
“it’s a cognitive test”
that’s why she’s so great
i hope she was kidding.
—
“when everything becomes tangled, you should make the choice.”
-roman simonyan
Jun23
teriyaki time.
teriyaki time (not for gambling)
—
the bag of loot my daughter gave me
with a friendly reminder
to pick up the sushi lunch
and not go to the casino or track
with the cash and the kids.
—
Quote from ‘Dumb & Dumber’:
LLOYD: “I’ll bet you 20 bucks I can get you gambling before the end of the day!?”
HARRY: “No way.”
LLOYD: “I’ll give you 3 to 1 odds?”
HARRY: “Nope.”
LLOYD: “5 to 1?”
HARRY: “Nope.”
LLOYD: “10 to 1?”
HARRY: “You’re on.”
Mar11
panic in the paper aisle.
World’s Largest Roll of Toilet Paper
10 feet high and 8.5 feet across.
weighs two tons.
contains a million square feet of squeeze-ably soft toilet paper.
will last me 1900 years.
according to my math
i’m good.
—
“i tend to stay with the panic. i embrace the panic.”
-larry david
—
credits: ripley’s believe it or not museum, branson, missouri, usa
Nov19
scout.
scout (in the original), walks home dressed as a ham.
—
I was cast to play scout
in a scene from ‘to kill a mockingbird’
as a favor for my friend
who was in an oral interpretation class
during her later in life college days.
the scene was the one
where scout was dressed as a ham
walking home through the woods
and the victim of an unknown attacker.
as I’m an incredibly horrible actress
I double-checked to see if she was sure
about wanting me for the role.
she was desperate and had no one else
so I was perfect, and was in!
she also cast my boyfriend at the time
as my brother
and our about to deliver a baby any second friend
as the narrator
that was it.
the only actors in the scene.
we were the holy trinity of non-talent.
one important thing that I needed to know
in spite of knowing my few lines
to be delivered in a frantic southern accent
with lots of screaming and thrashing movements
was that my attacker was not going to actually exist on stage
it was all interpretive
I had to imagine and act
like I was being attacked
as I wrestled with my invisible assailant.
at last the big day finally arrived
the curtain rose
I drawled and shrieked out my part
rolling around, slamming into the walls
and fighting my attacker who did not exist
all while dressed in my ham costume.
once it was over
we all took our bows
happy when the curtain finally went down.
after, I asked my friend’s husband,
(who was kind enough to have been in the audience
so we would be sure to have someone who clapped)
what he thought of my performance
and while his review was not exactly as expected
it was probably right on the mark:
‘you were like a cat in heat!’
my friend got an ‘a’ on the project.
—
“drama starts where logic ends.”
-ram charan
—
image credits: ‘to kill a mockingbird’ -universal pictures
